Friday, September 17, 2010

One Eyed Monster

One Eyed Monster (2008)
Starring: Ron Jeremy and Veronica Hart

Let me just start by saying this....I came into this movie with high expetations,Now knowing that this movie is about a Killer Penis and that I came into it with high hopes should tell you right there the quality of films I enjoy watching.I have seen a few killer genitallia movies in my days like pevert and most recently Teeth which I loved both for different reasons.So again Knowing what the premise of this movie was and who was cast and all that, I was hoping for something along the lines of pervert.Whta I got was utter trash.
Now The film is about 10 folks set out to make a adult feature in the hills of northern California, you’ve got four up and coming studs and starlets , a wardrobe woman (who is obsessed with Ron) , The asshole director , the lighting guy and the film editor (who also happens to be a mad scientist of sorts) and the two porn vets in Ron Jeremy and veronica Hart (both playing themselves).Veronica is going through it realising that she is too old to be in the movie and decides to convince the director of her talents by making him cum with her super powered pussy,She has trained her muscles down there through keagles to wor wonders apparently and she gets the part.Well right before filming a scene with Ron , He was out taking a piss when something that appeared to be a shooting star hits him in the groin.Once the filming begins Ron starts t gyrate and collapses and also nearly kills Veronica in the process,The crew notices something strange when investigating the two stars bodies, One Veronica is still alive but unconcious and bleeding badly from her Va jay jay and two Ron is dead and seems to be missing his penis.From here on out the "hillarity " Ensues as one after another the cast and crew are killed by Rons possesed peter.The film from here on out tries to hard to be South park style humor One girl is killed by the cock driving it’s self through her skull while performing a forced BJ and another guy attempts to escape later after finding out what is going on with this alien controlled member and he runs into the cock while grabbing for the stick shift in the escape car, The we see a scene where he is obviously being anally raped by themember to death.Also this dick can aparently take control of those it enters if it so chooses.See the crew members run into a strange woodsman named Muhtz ( played by genre star Charles Napier) and he alerts them that he has seen this before and that the cock was taken over by an alien race in order to breed or "seed" and take over the planet.They learn that theonly way to defeat it is to take it out while it is flaccid.Later on in the film Veronica comes to and is told of the on goings and decides that only her magical pussy is strong enough to take out this "Beast" . So she once again uses her talents of keagles to defeat the monster but she sacrifices her self in the process by controlling it’s money shot until it explodes killing them both on purpose because she is too old to continue sucking and fucking on film for money.We get a small twist at the end that anyone could see coming involving the wardrobe girl but I will leave that to the viewer too find out.This movie is absolutely the shits, for the subject matter at hand there is little to no nudity and most of the kilings are shown off screen (in the unrated version)which to me is just stupid.Now if you are in the mood for a silly movie involving a killer cock you’d be way better off seeking out Perevert or even Killer Condom, they both look like A clockwork orange compared to this piece of shit film.I have seen some bad films in my day and alot of them I can find some redeeming factor in them but this one I just cant.Again knowing that i was going into this film with high gopes should confirm that my tastes in cenema are vast in nature but this one was a real let down and left me with blue balls......
All in All I say avoid this one at all costs unless you are a huge Ron jeremy fan and must have every film he is in but even at that he dies off in the first 30 minutes or so , so even then you are getting jipped.
final verdict (Or Ver - dicked) for One Eyed Monster is.....
1.5 out of 5 even the extras kinda sucked on this one and I thought those were gonna kick major ass...Truly disappointing.

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