Joysticks

Joysticks (1983)
If there was any other genre of film that flooded video stores in the 80's more than horror it would have to be the sex comedy genre, And that is what I am tackling tonight, With one of the lesser known films in the category Greydon Clark's (Black Shampoo, Satan's Cheerleaders) Joysticks. Jeff Bailey is the grandson of a local Arcade owner and is taking over while he is out along with his best childhood friend Jonathan McDorfus and his newest employee Eugene .All being stereotypes of the 80's with Jeff the hunky rich playboy, Dorfus The fat sloppy comedic relief (Although most of that relief is in the form of fart jokes.) and Eugene of course being the nerdy virgin supplying the awkward sexual moments including him flinging a Hot Dog between a woman's breasts, Stay classy movie.The story itself is not that original as it is the standard local big rig wants to shut down the operation and the fight to keep it open much like The Bikini Car wash Company and the likes. Joseph Rutter , Played by Joe Don Baker (Joe Dirt,Strange Wilderness, Goldeneye) is upset because his valley girl daughter played by Corrine Bohrer (Zapped,They Call Me Bruce, Revenge of the Nerds 4) is always spending her time and his money there. One day Rutter goes to the establishment to retrieve his daughter and he walks in on two naked women running through the arcade after a romp with Jeff after a fire alarm prank gone wrong, This prompts Rutter to believe there is more going on here than playing games, and he starts to plan how to shut the place down. Rutter Sends in his two nephews Arnie and Max in to investigate with Max dressing in drag and calling himself Maxine, and enjoying that a bit too much. The two henchmen decide to break in to the arcade after hours to steal all the games and this plan fails as Jeff unloads the games back after draining the gas out of there vehicle and snatching the games back while the two are gone going for gas. Meanwhile Eugene and Dorfus break into Rutters house to find some info to blackmail Rutter into leaving the kids alone, this leads to a moment where eugene and dorfus end up in bed with Rutters wife while she is sleeping and the fart jokes ensue.After several failed plots to get the Arcade shut down including a parents rally and a City Counsel meeting Jeff agrees to have a Video Game showdown between a player of Rutters Choosing versus Dorfus and if Jeff's man looses he will shut down the arcade. Rutter enlists the help of King Vidiot a Punk gang leader to do his dirty work in a competition of Super Pac Man. Of course on the day of the final battle Dorfus is nowhere to be found and it turns out that he has been kidnapped by Rutters men and is being held captive at Rutters house. Back at the Arcade Jeff Who never plays the video games decides to step up but there is one problem, Jeff gets violently ill when staring at the screens and we get a flashback scene describing why. See apparently on the opening day of the Arcade Jeff and his girlfriend Sandy were doing it for the first time in the arcade after hours when Jeff sees Sandy's fathers reflection in a game screen this causes the father to be outraged , to beat his daughter and leave town for good. So every time Jeff plays he revisits this horrific event in his head. One training montage later Jeff heads out to Play for his life. At this point we see Dofrus at Rutters house struggling for freedom when his consistent Farting awakes Rutters wife who apparently is turned on by this? And Dorfus convinces the woman to release him and he will return with even more young "Hunks?" to have her way with. The showdown begins and Vidiot is destroying Jeff until he decides he is far enough ahead to give up , Dorfus returns to the Arcade to take over but Decides that Jeff needs to get over his fear of video games and win this one for himself, And of course after the pep talk he does just that. The happy ending continues as Grandpa Bailey returns and has Jeff's girlfriend Sandy with him. After the reunion Dorfus and Jeff decide they need to get Eugene Laid and they arrive at a hotel where Mrs. Rutter awaits dressed in leather and there we have it. This flick is pretty standard stuff not much strays from the typical business in peril teen comedy with tits just thrown in for extra measure.
Although I remember as a child having a huge crush on the one girl in this film that does not get nude Corinne Bohrer, I always liked that lady growing up she was just adorable to me even while doing her obnoxiously accurate Valley girl impression. If you are one that enjoys films like Porky's, Ski School, Bikini Car wash Company and the like then this one is up your alley if not definitely not worth hunting down because you are not missing much, Although I really would love to find the soundtrack to this film because the opening credits song is pure gold...."Totally Awesome Video Games!" "Video To The Max!"
2 out of 5

Just Before Dawn

Just Before Dawn (1981)
During the early 80's horror films hit a huge boom and the market became saturated with the sub-genre of the Slasher flick taking over. Some became classics such as Friday the 13th and Halloween and Many knock off's flat out sucked, But somewhere in between were some over looked lesser known titles which truly were pretty awesome such as The Prowler, The Burning, Maniac among the top of that list. Well Just before Dawn should be added to that list of forgotten or Lost treasures. The film in itself is your standard campground madman on the loose film with the usual fodder for the blade, Such as the group of young folk complete with the Hero and Heroine ,The prankster, The Slutty girl and the Nerd all in place for the film to start off on a stereotypical and familiar terrain. But  I gotta say this one has some pretty nice twists for it's time, Some twists that have since become kind of cliche' but again this movie was out years beforehand so it is given a pass. So five young campers head deep into the woods to look at some property they have recently purchased and along the way are told by locals to stay away from that neck of the woods, Of course they do not listen to the warnings and head out anyway. While setting up camp before dark they do a little sight seeing and hear a girl singing in the distance , Upon further investigation they see a young girl at the bottom of the mountain singing by the lake, When the group tries to get her attention the girl runs away. Later we see this girl again while The Prankster and the slutty girl are skinny dipping and the young girl watches from behind cover But scatters as a large man is seen approaching from behind a waterfall. The prankster pretends to drown to scare the slutty girl and then does it a second time only to swim under the water to the other side to land , this is when a hand reaches up from the water to grab the naked camper and she sees that it is not her friend and she obviously freaks but gets away un harmed and no one is seen coming out of the water so the group thinks she is crazy. The next morning some stuff is missing from their campgrounds and The prankster Johnathan decides to go looking for it and here is when we get into the action. While searching the woods john runs into the young girl who flirts with him and then plays a innocent game of cat and mouse which leads to a rope bridge, John decides to show that is is safe and once upon it the Large man or "Demon" the group was warned about shows up and hacks away at the bridge causing john to fall to the lake bellow , After a long and strenuous climb back up the mountain The large man is somehow on the other side now and kicks him back into the water. Later the two Main characters are fishing when Johns body floats over to them drowned and dead. Meanwhile The nerd/photographer Dan and The slutty girl Megan stumble upon a graveyard and small church we see earlier in the opening scene, so they decide to do a photo shoot, and of course the killer arrives and cuts these folk down with a seraded Machete blade. When the Campers do not arrive at the camp site our leads Connie and Warren get worried and decide to find the family of the young girl who warned them of the impending doom to get more info and they are offered nothing. Later in the film we find that These "Demons"  or "Devils" the locals warned the group about is in fact part of the strange family related to the young girl who keeps showing up and there is two killers , Two Large twin brother rednecks with a thing for chopping people up.I all honesty allot of this film is your standard slasher fair but what this film does is truly adds depth to the film and it's scares through the atmosphere. It is shot extremely well and is honestly much scarier than any of the Camp Crystal Lake suspenceless hack and slash films. The best part though is hands down the last scene involving the showdown between the Killers and the two survivors which involves a really unique twist and a Kill that you will leave the film talking about.It is not the most gory killing but it truly comes out of nowhere and has some serious WTF appeal. This film doesn't really have nearly as much gore as many of the others in this sub-genre but it makes up for that in story telling and a creepy environment , What it does it does well, and really never hits a boring slump. Plus I can't stress how awesome I think the ending is, It truly makes you think something is going to happen and then something you totally didn't see happening comes out of nowhere and I gotta appreciate that. So if you like Slasher flicks you will like this one no doubt about it but if you are looking for something more heavy on the gore but in the same vein stick with Hatchet.
4 out of 5

Thou Shalt Not Kill.....Except

Thou Shalt Not Kill.....Except (1985)
Sgt. Stryker wounded in a failed  Ambush attempt During the  Vietnam War arrives home at his cabin secluded in the woods and attempts to restart his life as normal. He hooks back up with a high school sweetheart and all looks well until A Religious Cult Led by a crazy Native American Hippie Played by Sam Raimi (Director of Evil Dead/ Spider man/Drag Me To Hell), Show up Killing townsfolk in Manson style massacre Home invasions. Three of Sgt. Strykers old Platoon members on leave decide to pay Stryker a visit and they spend time reminiscing and sharing war stories, When They find out that Otis, Strykers girlfriends grandfather has been killed and  The Sergeants girl Sally has been kidnapped by this cult.The platoon now regroups for some warfare on american soil this time and arm themselves to take out this Viscous cult. The movie really starts to pick up at this point and the body count starts to rise at a rapid pace, There is allot of good gruesome scenes during the war with the cult including Garden sheers through the eyes, Gunshots a plenty and impalement by Tree branch.One of the platoon members is stabbed but he survives and the final showdown is between Stryker and the Cult Leader who apparently is convinced he is invincible Because he believes he is the second coming of Christ, This theory is proven joke worthy when he is shot and falls of a cliff to be skewered by Two large tree limbs. As far as the small niche of War/ Horror films including such films  as Tromas War and Combat Shock, this one is pretty darn good. Sam Raimi is entertaining as the very odd Cult Leader and The build up to the final battle is well paced and nicely pieced together as we get just enough character development to care about each of the platoon members involved. High on gore and humor this film is truly a fun one to watch and for some reason I avoided this film for years and the reason why truly escapes me now as I thoroughly enjoyed this little romp into exploitation cinema.The movie is predictable but not really ever boring and that is saying allot. Definitely worth a Watch if you can find it.
3.5 out of 5

Double Agent 73

Double Agent 73 (1974)
Dir: Doris Wishman (Deadly Weapons/ Let me die A Woman)
Starring : Chesty Morgan

Well after the complete lack of 70's tits in The Doll Squad, I decided to pop in the second feature of Something Weirds Chesty Morgan Double Feature along with Deadly Weapons which I have already reviewed. I must say that Ms. Morgan has to be the worst actress ever to grace the screen and her only claim to fame is her enormous 73 inch bust hence the name of this little gem Double Agent 73. The film wastes no time in letting you know that this is just a vehicle for Chesty to show off her well......Chest, With the opening credits just being shots of her grabbing her left tit repeatedly at two different angles. I must say that Chesty has to have some of the ugliest natural breasts I have ever seen and how they made her famous in an era along side other busty beauties such as Kitten Natividad and Uschi Digart is beyond me, Because other than her upper endowment this woman has no figure whatsoever. With all that aside, This film is honest to god one of , if not the worst movies I have ever seen and I have seen some crappy films in my day. Chesty plays Jane Tennay A.K.A. Agent 73 who is called upon to take down A heroin dealer by the name of Mr. Toplar. She is given no description other than he has a scar on the side of his face, wonderful.. Her agency implants a camera into her left breast and she is instructed to take out all of Toplar's henchmen and to photograph them for evidence. So Jane heads out seeking clues and seducing then killing all of the said henchmen in various ridiculous manners such as Blowing up ones car with a lipstick bomb, Poisoning one with a earring dart, Beating one senseless with her breasts and Putting poison on her chest and smothering a guy with them. The acting in this film is god awful especially in a scene involving one of Toplar's henchmen and his girlfriend making out and when they are talking no lips are seen moving at all and the women is seen looking at the camera in plain sight numerous times in a one minute scene.Along the way Agent 73 is provided a Male counterpart named Tim who quickly becomes her love interest in the film and just as quickly as they fall in love it becomes abundantly clear that this man is in fact Mr. Toplar, Especially when once Jane is captured by Mr. T's main henchman he is ordered to release her because of purposes unexplained. In the end it is in fact Tim who is Toplar and she goes to meet with him one last time where Tim/ Toplar confesses and proclaims his love for her but instead of giving in to his advances for the predictable happy ending she just shoots him and that is the end in extremely anti climactic fashion. This movie is flat out boring and like I stated before just a reason to put Chesty Morgans Breasts on display , As she is topless 98 percent of the film.Also it is obvious that the director has a breast fetish and a serious thing for footwear since most of the film is close ups of one or the other. Chesty gives a awful performance and it shows clear as day in one particular scene where she finds one of her friends stabbed to death in her shower and Chesty just looks down and responds with as much emotion  as if she had just burned her toast , Not lost a dear friend. Huge waste of time this film was.... Huge, Even bigger than Chesty's Milk bags and just as saggy.
Just because I know there is probably something out there worse I will give this one
0.5 out of 5 stars.

The Doll Squad (1973)

The Doll Squad (1973)
Dir: Ted V. Mikels

The name Ted V. Mikels may not ring a bell with the casual movie fans of today but in circles of Cult film fans or followers of MST 3000 that name stands for one thing.......Cheese. The man behind films such as Blood orgy of the she devils, The corpse Grinders and The Astro Zombies. So now after all the grim films I have reviewed this week I decided to pop in one of his films to take in something lighter and I gotta say I was pleased with this lighthearted cheese fest. Doll Squad is Basically your traditional secret agent movie such as James Bond although with a much lower budget and instead of a womanizing Playboy in the lead this time we get a group of 6 foxy super-chicks. The film begins with the Senator watching a space shuttle launch from his headquarters when he receives a mysterious call asking if he is watching closely, Shortly after The shuttle explodes and the man on the phone says " Maybe next time you will listen." Determined to get to the bottom of this devious act He Hires the Doll Squad to take the mission. This team is lead by Sabrina Kincaid so he makes the call. We then are treated to a psychedelic opening sequence with funky music playing over shots of the girls shooting machine guns and kicking ass.Sabrina is on the case and heads out to round up the girls but this does not go quite as planned as there is obviously a mole in the senators office and some henchmen follow Sabrina and off the first two members before they even make it to the briefing.After coming to the conclusion someone on the inside is on the other team Sabrina goes rogue and collects her remaining girls undercover. We meet the girls all of which blending into society with regular jobs, One being a librarian, one a go go dancer played by Tura Santana (Faster, Pussycat Kill, Kill!), A Olympic swimmer and a Psychologist. The evil mastermind behind this heinous deed is Eamon O'Reilly, A former government agent, and he finds that there is a new girl in the Doll squad who is working at the carnival. He attempts to infiltrate their ranks by kidnapping her and having his girlfriend get info by disguising her as the new addition, This of course does not go as planned and the plan ends up getting his girl killed by his own henchmen.The rest of the film is your typical action fodder with the girls finding Eamons secret compound and fighting their way to the madman whos plan apparently is to unleash the black plague throughout the world via rats.The action is cheesy but fun to watch and the explosions are just pathetic but at least worth a laugh. I was surprised at the fact there is no nudity in this film being that it was made in the 70's and the main cast is all female but honestly as much of a let down that was, because the girls in this film are all beautiful, It really didn't take away from the fun this movie provides.It is by no means a serious film or a film to be taken seriously but it is a entertaining romp and that has to be some sort of an accomplishment. It also makes me want to break out my copy of Ted V. Mikels other super heroin film "The Girl With The Gold Boots" but I hear that it is god awful though I may give it a go since I own it as well. If you like secret agent movies of yester year or movies like Austin Powers which Lampooned this type of film, You will probably get a kick out of this little piece of cheese, Otherwise you are just wasting your time. If you want a more serious lesser known secret agent movie check out Diabolik but if you want a good laugh check this one out.
2.75 out of 5

Schramm

Schramm: Inside The mind of a serial Killer (1993)

Before I start with my opening statement, I must point out that this film is the third film directed by Jorg Buttgeirit , The mind behind Nekromantik, And knowing that I still have to say.......
What the fuck did I just watch!?!
The movie is apparently a look at the dying moments of the Lipstick Killer LotharSchramm and honestly I could see these series of scenes being what flashes through a Serial killers mind in his dying moments because this movie was disturbing and quite honestly all over the place. our story begins with Lothar lying in a puddle of White house paint and blood, then flashes to random scenes of absurdity. The only story to follow in this film is of the relationship between Lothar and his Prostitute friend Marrianne which honestly is not told to in depth other than that Lothar is a Taxi driver who takes her on her jobs and she just got a high paying gig from some high rolling older men. The rest of the film is a series of odd flashbacks and only one of these actually shows a killing where Lothar murders some door to door bible thumpers by slitting ones throat and beating the other to death with a Hammer then posing their corpses in several sexual positions and taking picture of his work. There is a scene where Lothar Nails his penis to a table and all of this is shown in graphic detail, A dentist flashback/Nightmare where he has a tooth removed then the dentist carves out his eye, Another flashback where Lothar is listening to some neighbors have sex while he humps a blow up torso and A rather strange scene where he wakes up and is getting head from a Vagina creature with teeth... If none of this review makes sense it's honestly because I didn't get this movie at all. It was just random scenes thrown together with no real rhyme or reason, And the only closure we get is that Lothar died while falling off a ladder painting his house and he could not accompany Marianne on her big gig so in the closing scene we see Lothar approaching Heavens gates and getting bitch slapped by Jesus and Marianne bound and gagged looking scared at her gig.
I knew coming in to this film that it would be strange after seeing some of Jorg Buttgeirit's other work , But at least his other films I've seen (Nekromantik 1 & 2) Had some sort of story you could follow . This movie was like Eraserhead on Date rape drug Which surprisingly is not a good combination. I find it hard to give this one a fair rating because maybe I am missing something but until I find what it is  I'll give this one
1 out of 5.

Don't Go in The House

Don't Go In The House (1980)

This entertaining little gem is the story of Donnie, A strange construction worker at a incineration site. It seems that Donnie has some serious Mommy issues since his mother used to punish him by holding his arms over a burning stove while he was a child in order to "Burn The Evil out of Him". Obviously this has scarred him in more ways than one now that he is an adult.One day when arriving home from work Donnie finds his mother dead and instead of calling for help he begins to hear voices telling him that he is "free now" and he can do whatever he wants, So naturally he blasts his stereo and runs through the house with reckless abandon like a child left home alone for the first time. Unfortunately the voices telling him he is free are not the only voices he hears now as His mother continues to scold him from beyond the dead.Donnie heads out on the town and buys a fire proof suit and flame thrower from a local gun shop and begins to build his own crematorium in his house. Then Donnie begins his violent streak picking up random women in need of help and offers his services, little do they know these rides and favors will be detoured  to his house for a brief visit to the newly built addition to his house where he chains the girls up and burns them down with his Flamethrower.There is only one shot of a victim actually dying in this brutal fashion but the F/X used are extraordinary considering the year this film was made.Once his victims are fried he dresses them up and places them in a empty room on display. Most of the film focuses on the voices tormenting Donnie and his deterioration into madness, Which is much like the scenes in "Maniac" of the same year and add a nice depth to his character. There is a side story involving Donnies only friend Bobby whom he works with and eventually Bob convinces Donnie to go out on the town with him in order to get Donnies mind off his mothers "Illness" and they head to the disco for a double date where Bob is witness to Donnies madness when he throws a Lit candle on his date on the dance floor.  This leads us to the films interesting and fiery conclusion when Donnie leaves the disco and comes across two women looking for a ride when he convinces them to go to his house for a party. The closing scenario is also very similar to "Maniac" when Donnie is locked in the room with his victims corpses and they appear to come alive, Donnie then let's loose with the flame thrower burning himself and his house to the ground. Then right before the credits roll we get a scene of a child being beaten by his mother and shortly after voices telling the child that they will protect him and that he will soon be free, Making this movie sort of a really fucked up P.S.A. against Child abuse, Which I thought was kind of a clever twist to the story and gave this movie some more meaning behind it's brutality. All in All this makes for a decent slasher style flick which focuses more on the mind of the killer as opposed to the actual act of killing and gore just for gores sake and sometimes that makes for a better all together film. If you are into psycho-thrillers and you enjoy 80's slashers than this should be up your alley but I think "Maniac" did a similar theme much better and managed to up the gore at the same time.  A decent film to burn time that doesn't just go up in flames....."Yeah I just Did that, What of it?"
3.5 out of 5

Savage Streets

Savage Streets (1984)

After watching I spit on your grave last night I thought I would follow that one up ith a lesser known Rape/Revenge flick Savage Streets. Directed By Danny Steinman (Friday The 13th Pt.5 : A New Beginning)
Starring Horror/Exploitation Icons Linda Blair (The Exorcist/Hell Night) and Linea Quigley (Return of the Living Dead/Night of the demons/Creepazoids). The story follows two groups of "Teens" A gang called the scars and a group of rebellious young woman lead by Brenda (Blair). One night out on the streets of Hollywood The girls along with Brenda's younger deaf sister Heather (Quigley)  run into the Scars doing their usual bullying and dealing drugs when Brenda decides to "Teach them a lesson". This lesson entails the girls stealing the guys car for some joyriding, Shortly after a chase the guys finally find their car trashed and this prompts the Gang to set out for revenge.The next day at school Jake and his boys "The Scars" catch Heather all alone in the gym while Brenda is in the showers preparing to walk her sister home.Heather is cornered and drug into the boys restroom where the gang beats and rapes her, And of course as always in these movies there is one member who is hesitant and against the idea but eventually is forced into joining in out of fear.After finding Heathers body Brenda decides she is going to find who did this and get them back.Later on we see Brenda and her girls at a nightclub trying to figure out the whole thing and this is when The scars show up again to raise hell. The guys grab one of Brenda's friends Francine who is planning on getting married soon and also happens to be pregnant and they try and have their way with her in the club when A couple of guys try to stop this A fight breaks out, During this brawl Francine cuts Jake on the face with a switchblade and this prompts yet another payback for the Scars.This leads to Francine getting thrown from a overpass to her death by Jake. At this point Vinnie , the hesitant member of the scars to decides  finally leave the group and he goes to see Heather in the hospital to confess and beg for forgiveness,  This is when Brenda walks in finding out who Put her sister in the hospital and now she has a target for her vengeance. So Brenda suits up , puts together her artillery and heads out for revenge.Disposing of most of the Gang with her weapon of choice A crossbow.The movie is pretty standard stuff as far as plot and character development but they threw in a few nice touches to one of the main revenge sequences where Brenda leads two of Jakes henchman into a Warehouse and she rigs the place with tape players , Playing audio of her voice and at one point audio of her moaning as if she is getting it on with one of the guys and enjoying it prompting the other to follow in hopes of joining in of course this just leads him to his demise via arrow through the throat.Not too much sets this movie apart from most other Revenge action flicks of this time period but it is a decent watch if you are into 80's action flicks like Death wish and other of that ilk. I must say though that this film has allot of nudity and for the most part it is all really nice, There are allot of really attractive women in this movie as extras for shower scenes and locker room shots as you would expect from any movie set in a High school or college during the 80's and there is a really nice bathtub scene showing Linda Blair and her amazing breasts but take that for what it's worth. When all is said and done here what you get is a fun little action flick low on gore high on nudity and it's not a complete waste of time as there is some stuff here to enjoy as some of the dialogue in this film is downright hilarious .When it comes to the revenge genre you could find better but you could also get allot worse.
So final verdict for Savage Vengeance is A 2.75 out of 5

I Spit On Your Grave

I Spit On Your Grave (1978)

So with The Remake creeping around the corner hitting theaters any day now. I decided to revisit the original Rape/Revenge Classic I Spit on your Grave. The original film follows Jennifer Hills a New York City womans literature writer who is vacationing in the woods at a friends cabin to get away from the noise of the city and take time to focus on writing her first full length novel. While there she comes across a group of four local good ol' boys who take a instant interest in Jennifer and decide to make their presence known.Frequently disrupting her quiet time with forward advances and childish come on's.  Once they notice that Jenny is not giving into their attempts at charm, they decide to go about achieving their goal in a more aggressive and downright violent manner. the first half of this movie is a brutal depiction of several gang rapes. Three of the guys are downright brutal beating jenny and having their way with her in graphic fashion including one scene where she is sodomized while they force Matthew the lowly grocery store delivery boy painfully watches but is to afraid to do anything to stop the events from happening. The other boys try and coheres Matt into joining their party and when he finally gives in he cannot achieve a erection so he is looked upon by the other guys as a failure.After several separate  rape scenes the guys decide they have had enough and that they need to kill Jenny to make sure the news does not get out so they send in Matthew to do the job, Of course he chickens out so he just covers a knife in blood and says that he went through with it. After a few weeks of  Jenny licking her wounds she is hiding out and begins to return to her writing, when the guys decide to revisit the cabin she was at to make sure to dispose of her remains before they are found. This is when the movie gets good, From this point on Jenny has her revenge seducing then killing all of her assailants in grim and gruesome fashion. Including a castration scene that is downright disturbing. The movie achieves a real sense of redemption by building the characters just right and you really are rooting for Jenny to get her revenge by the third act of the film and you want to see the guys get what they deserve in brutal fashion.The way Jenny disposes of each man is unique in it's own way and it is fun too watch her play with her victims before she goes in for the kill.There is no music in this film and that kinda works to it's advantage as the only build up you get is what you see and there are no musical cues to jump scares and to tell you what is supposed to be intense and whats not. This is one film along with The Last House on The Left and The Crazies that I felt did not need the remaking treatment, I mean I feel that way about most movies but this one and Last house especially were so brutal and atmospheric that they were perfect to begin with and all a remake can do to it is tarnish it's place in history.I highly doubt that the upcoming remake will even come close to achieving the feeling this film  leaves you with and there is no way the film will be cast as good. I can already see the ambercrombie models with mud on their faces they pick to play the rapists in this one just like they did in The Last House remake and I for one am not looking forward to seeing how they screw another one of my old school favorites up...But with that said I will be a hypocrite and eventually watch the remake because although 98 percent of the time I walk out hating the films I still fork over the dough to be disappointed. So until the remake comes out and shits on this films legacy at least I have this one to watch in the meantime.
4 out of 5

Womens Prison Massacre

Womens prison Massacre A.K.A. Emanuelle escapes Hell

This movie is about as good as you can get from the women in prison genre, although it doesnt do anything much different than most, it is a sort of a trend setter and does have it’s high points.
The film stars the lovely Laura gemser reprising her role of Emanuelle, this time she is imprisonned for what I am not quite sure.anyhow she makes a strong enemy inside the jail in Albeena who is a queen bee of sorts in the prison and is in tight with all the guards .Throughout the film these two go at it a few times in different forms of Combat/battle.One being a arm wrestling match in the begining that rivals Over the top with sylvester stallone only hotter, Then again in hand to hand combat while the guards watch, rooting on Albeena and later in a game of russian roulette.Anyway again i said this one does not stray too far from the typical women in prison film you have your requisite shower scenes and lesbianism and sexually frustrated female guards and wardens but this one gets extra charged when a group of male death row inmates attempt escape during transfer and are held up in the womens prison.once entering , the male inmates take over shooting an officer and then taking the female warden and inmates hostage.the movie really starts to pick up once the male convicts are added to the equation and so does the level of sex and sometimes rape although many of the women inmates are more than willing in this film.The film is never short on nudity which again is requisite for this kind of film but the gore is not lacking in this one either, unless you purchase the R rated version.Now I had seen this movie some years ago on VHS and recently bought it on DVD, Unbeknownst to me I bought the R rated DVD and let me just say that you are doing yourself a huge injustice in buying this version.There is a tremendous ammount of stuff cut from the R rated version such as A revenge castration, a few of the sex and nudie shots are cut extremely short and almost all of the shootings are cut off screen leaving you to just hear the shot fired and then view the end result and not even that in some more critical Scenes.Not only that but about five mins or so are cut from the end , making it really hard to know what really happens in the final few tense scenes.So If you are a fan of this Sub-genre as I am this is a must see but if you are going to do so be sure and seek out the unrated version.I have found a unrated DVD version wihich comes with another classic WIP film Caged women.
So all in all I would give this one (Unrated) a 3.5 out of 5
the R rated gets about a 2.5 or 3 at best.

Welcome to Spring Break

Welcome to Spring break (1988)
A.K.A. Nightmare Beach

This film is extremely dated,I mean it just screams 80’s from begining to end.We start off with the execution of Diablo the Leader of a Motorcycle gang The Demons,He is senetnced to the electric chair for the murder of a young girl during the previous years spring break.During the execution Diablo keeps going on about how he was framed while the arresting officer,Officer Strycher (John Saxon) is ridiculing him.After the execution we get several scenes of a spring break complete with lots of beer,bikini’s and of course a wet t-shirt competition.All the stereotypical 80’s movie cliche’s are here.We Meet our hero/lead Skip a buff blonde querterback and his obnoxious overly sex minded Latin friend from the team,we get the priest who deams all the excess of spring break sin,the crooked cop in form of john f’n Saxon,The irritating nerd who is always pulling pranks And the Ice queen who warms up once meeting the jock hero(who just happens to be the sister of the girl diablo was executed for killing) .Then we meet our killer of the film ,a mysterious biker who has altered his bike to be a killing machine ,complete with a electricution chair for a backseat,he picks up a girl hitchhiking and then speeds off scarring her ,when she asks to stop he presses a button and presto she is shocked and lit a flame.The killer in this film always uses either electrity or fire to deal with his victims.well people start turning up dead and The police suspect that it is Diablo back from the dead since his body dissapeared before he was burried,Although there are alot of signs that point in the direction of the crooked cop being the killer later in the film,like when our two heroes search the officers house and find pitures of all the victims and some rather questionable sexual aides as well.One of the bikers is arrested for questioning in the murders but the slaying continues ,so instead of releasing him the crooked cop keeps him in jail in order to try and keep the case under wraps.Then of course the Demons M.C. break him out of jail while all the officers are out on beach patrol.The movie comes to a very 80’s style close equipt with cheesy 80’s pop band playing live at the beach,because really no 80’s film is complete without a shitty concert scene right.?In the closing moments they try and pull a double swerve on who the killer truly is and the killer meets a fitting end,death by electricution after he flies off his bike during a chase into some electric wires.If you are the kind of person who takes delight in all things 80’s than this movie should be right up your alley,it is chock filled with cheesy dialogue,acting ,music and fashion that was the era in general.I would even go as far as to say that this should be in every 80’s fans movie collection,but with that said it doesn’t mean it’s good because it’s not....it really is not.Then again most of the movies I will review here in general are not going to be great by mainstream standards.
2.5 out of 5
I cannot stress enough how much of an 80’s film this one is...at least you get a few nice nude shots of big haired wet t-shirt contestants ....Maybe it’s because I was raised in the 80’s but I will always have a soft spot for non-silicone having hair bears....That could be it.

Video Vixens

Video Vixens (1975)

As cheestastic as this movie is,I cannot stress how much I enjoyed it.
Poor Clffiord Bradley is the netork programmer for a local T.V. Network WKLITT,and he fears there is a conspiracy abound to rid humans of their sexual desires.So what does he do to fight the powers that be? He contacts low budget porn director Rex Boorski and his lovely sidekick/girlfriend Inga (played by the stunning Robyn Hilton) to put together a Porno Academy Awards show on his channel.but who will host such a grand event,well no one better than the networks overly conservative movie reviewer Gordon Gordon.During the award show we get clips from these faux stag films such as "The Milkman" which features a heavyset man delivering milk to a woman while her husband is not home and he then begins beating her with random whips and flogs that are visibly handed to him by stage hands just off camera and another nominee in the "documentary" category features rex Borski during a casting couch audition and finishing prematurely on camera.Also we get some hillarious comercials during this program like one for a dial a whore escort service and another featuring a bunch of lovely women partying nude in a swimming pool to advertise Kentucky Dildo company.This film is never short on grtuitous nudity but it also doens not lack on the laughs it sets out to provide.If you enjoy films like The Kentucky fried Movie , Amazon women on the moon and The groove tube then the chances are pretty high that you will get a kick outta this film.Is it a great movie by most standards no but I gotta say I loved it.I could watch this movie over and over agin and that to me is a good movie,I mean that is truly all you could ask of a film is to be entertained and this film does just that.take some 70’s SNL or SCTV humor add a dash of pre silicone nudity and you have got a winner.I highly recomend that all fans of comedy out there check this one out.
final verdict on this gem 4 out of 5 just based on the commercial breaks alone this one is a success.
Troma released this on DVD and you should grab it if you could find it ,it can probably be found cheap.

Video Violence 1 & 2

Video Violence

Well this little shot on shiteo gem, was an interesting one.
The movie focuses around a small town , it’s locals and a small video rental shop run by some out of towners from the big city.The film starts off with a short prologue we know this because it says so on the screen, for some reason this movie has chapters in it.anyway the opening scene follows a womans journey to a sporting goods store and the employees watching her undress in the changing room on hidden camera then one worker goes in and kills her with a basecall bat on tape.then we cut to the video store and they recieve a mysterious tape in the drop box.our lead character (the video store owner) decides to find out what is on the tape and low and behold it is a snuff film.well our "hero"decides to find out who is making these films and it seems everyone in the town does not believe him and are oddly suspect anout the whole thing.well people keep disappearing and more movies start to surface until finally the lead finds who as been doing all of this and it turns out the whole town is in on it, making these films for there own viewing pleasure.now this would not be a bad idea for a film and I thought it was actually a pretty good story to work with and actually kind of original for the slasher genre.If it werent for the shot on shiteo quality and the even shittier acting and sound and gore effects this could have been a nice little film but unfortunately it is what it is and that is truthfully utter trash..
Final verdict 1.5 out of 5 would have been lower but I thought at least the idea behind the film was a good one but that is the only redeeming factor here at all.
watch at your own risk it may be worth it for a few laughs if you are baked.


Video Violence 2

Well this time we catch up with Howard and Eli,the main killers in the first film and now they have hacked into the television networks and put on a weekly show featuring viewer created snuff films and rate them.Now again I really like the ideas behind both of these shot on shiteos ,but again the acting and film quality ...or lack there of really drags these films down.The acting is not as bad in this one but it is still dreadfull.Really orginal storylines in the series and I liked the way they put part 2 together complete with fony comercials and everything.I am not o fan of remakes but,I would actually like to see a new revamped version of these little turds just because I dig the storyline so much.anyway I did like the sequel better than the first installment although part 2 is only about an hour long it was alot of fun watching.
I would give this one 2 out of 5
I would actually recmend this one being that it is actually alot of fun and kind of like a shitty slasher crossed with the kentucky fried movie which I like the combonation.
Def worth a watch if you got nothing to do someday check this one out.

Up!

Up! (1976)

Russ Meyer’s Up!
Written By: Roger Ebert

Up! is one of my favorite Meyers films although it is a bit hard to follow at times.This is the tale Margot Winchester,Sort of.....
The film Opens with a odd scene where Adolf Schwarts (A man who bares a striking resemblance to Adolf hitler) is being flogged by a man in a pilgrim outfit (Paul) and getting smothered by several very well endowed Voluptuous women.One "the Ethiopian chef" A beautiful busty black woman with a taste for face sitting, A lovely Stacked and packed Asian women and A very busty Woman in a gimp mask taken with tit slapping whom I believe may be played by Uschi Diggard (Who associate produced this film).Adolf demands that paul finish him off with some gay sex for a promised bonus.After all these shenanigans ensue we see Adolf eaten alive by a piranha in his bathtub.Now we meet Margot (Raven De La Croix) ,who is from out of town and instantly garners the attention from the towns males due to her Stunning good looks and her natural endowments.First she is stopped by the town sheriff during her jog and he offers her a ride which she politely declines,shortly after she is approached by a young man who tries his best to charm her,he succeeds and takes her off the main road and proceeds to rape her after a pretty brutal fight scene,when Margot is eventually knocked out we get introduced to one of the films running gags,All the men in this movie have gigantic Fake penises,I mean outlandishly big ,like two or three feet big.anyway after the rape she comes to and tosses the man judo style and breaks his neck killing him.The sheriff witnesses this and arrests her for the murder but tells her he will let her off if she gives him a piece of the action,which she all too easily accepts this offer.Margot and the sheriff now begin a sort of relationship.The sheriff gets margot a job at the Local truck stop restaraunt "Alices Diner" run by Lil’ Alice and her Husband paul.Buisness booms once Margot comes on and everything is on the up and up.Until Margot and paul start there own little side thing.Throughout the entire film There is a narrator "The Greek Chorus" played by Kitten Natividad whom is constantly runing down all the info on the films characters and ties them all in as suspects in the murder of Adolf schwarts.The towns Lumberjack Ray comes on the scene and becomes the prime suspect due to his size and demeanor and the fact he carries an axe with him everywhere he goes.Alice opens a second diner due to their newfound success with Margots help and on opening night Margot decides to put on a show, dancing for the patrons.This riles up our friendly lumberjack and he starts to get a bit touchy,when paul jealously tries to interveen he is thrown down and knocked out and this sets ray into a frenzy and he rapes Margot And later Alice in front of all the hapless patrons.The sheriff is called to the scene and we get an impromptu Axe fight and then Chainsaw brawl,Leading to both the Sheriff and ray to fall off a cliff killing them both. Alice and Margot who were both kidnapped by the lumberjack embrace after the ordeal is over.Paul sees this embrace and seems over joyous ,thinking he is in luck and gonna get both the girls for his own.Margot heads home afterwards to take a shower and we get a play on the famous Psycho shower scene revealing The killer .I will leave this part from here on out for you to see because going any further will spoil the whole movie since this is the twist to end the film.It is a rather nice and hillarious twist mind you .All I will say is that Adolf Schwarts was indeed Hitler and I will leave the rest for you to figure out.If you are a fan of Meyer’s films This is a good one and if you enjoy sex comedies this one is top notch.I Personally love all of the above so I enjoyed this one thoroughly.The film has all the Russ meyer trademarks of nice atmosphere and photography , lots of nudity and close ups of both breasts and bush,and of course extremely gorgeous women.Films today just dont have women like these in them anymore, Nowadays everyone has to be rail thin and Meyers was known for finding some of the most beautiful busty full figured femmes ever to grace the screen.This one doesn’t stray far from the typical meyers flick and that is not a bad thing in my opinion.There is alot of fun to be had with this one for all to enjoy,the narration by Natividad is great and the writing for her role is actually very well done ,almost shakespearian and there is also lots of dick jokes for those who enjoy something a bit more low brow.Some great lines that come to mind in the low brow department are "taste the black sperm of my vengeance." and one scene involving Margot talking to the sheriff after he secretly was just having a fling with Pocohantas ,she says to him "Your dick is all red,have you been fucking an indian.?" that kind of politically incorrect humor would not fly in todays time and that is part of the cahrm of these films in my opinion.So once again Good ol’ Russ comes through with a winner.This one is a bit hard to find on DVD or any format for that matter and if you do find it they are rather exspensive,I luckily found a used out of print copy at Amoeba in Berkeley Today and I have had it in avi. format for awhile.But if you can find it I suggest you pick it up and give it a watch.
4 out of 5

Trash

Trash (1970)
Trash is the tale of joe (joe Dellasandro) A junky in New york city,although they mention the filmore throughout the whole film so I thought it was set in SF at first.
He lives with his drug addicted / whore girlfriend and they scavnge through garbage to sell to make a living.Joe runs into alot of strange individuals throughout this film , such as a LSD addicted "rich" woman who takes joe in and ries to befriend him until joe tries to rape her after she belittles him for being a junky.He fails in this attempt due to him not being able to "rise" to the occasion,this is a reoccuring theme in this flick.See Joe cant get it up anymore due to his addiction to heroin amongst other things.Joe also runs into a newlywed couple after breaking into theor house,these folks are also a strange bunch since the wife is constantly trying to persuade joe into a threesome with the couple,that is until he nearly od’s in their house.Holly ,joes girlfriend has a pregnant sister that wants to give up her child to them in order to get them on welfare,which does not work out so well due to a arguement involving the welfare worker,holly a pair of silver shoes and a pillow.Sounds odd I know you will have to watch the film to fully understand that summary.90% of the movie has Joe dalllesandro (Joe) walking around nude ,so if full frontal male junk makes you uneasy than this film is not for you.but I would go to say that you are missing out by not seeing this one.The film is shot very rough and the acting is rather convincing ,all the actors pull off the roles given to them with a natural feeling accuracy.Trash is part of Paul morrisey’s trilogy on new york street/nightlife of new york in the 70’s and this one is really good.It is a serious film and not much is funny about it.It tells the tale of the junkie with a no bones no hold barred approach.I would compare it to the later film Kids but much darker.I am anxious to watch the other two films after seeing this one and if they are as good or even close to the quality of this one then I have been missing out for awhile.
The film was I believe co-produced by new york legend Andy warhol and features a few actors/friends notorious for his circle such as Joe Dallesandro his resident boy toy of sorts and geri miller ( whom the film Factory girl was based on) in a small role in the begining as a go go dancer.
alot of nudity and drug use obviously and rather depressing but that is what this film is supposed to be.It does not take the subject matter lightly.
I would give this one 4 out of 5 easily Highly recomended for those looking for a serious film about a serious topic and real life people in real life situations (sort of)

The Toolbox Murders

The Toolbox Murders (1977)

During the Late 70’s all the way through the mid to late 80’s,The slasher flick was born and ran rampant across America.It seems that theatre goers could not get enough of the High on blood and gore ,Low on plotlines style ,People just wanted to see others go under the knife literally.Some good some god awful,it didn’t matter the public would watch it no matter what.Luckily today I review on of the better slasher flicks of the time.Toolbox Murders pulls no punches letting you know what you’re in for ,within the first five minutes of the film by raising the body count to 2 .People start getting killed in blood splattering fashion in a small apartment building ,and of course the toolbox carrying ski mask wearing assailant goes unnoticed by neighbors until the police really get involved in the case once a 15 year old girl is kidnapped.Toolbox murder is a pretty decent little slasher,it has some nice ,innovative (for the time) kills and it does have somewhat of a sub-plot along with it.The murderer is a religous fanatic (Big surpirise there) who kills women he deems unclean,it is pretty obvious who the killer is about midway through but still ,this is a slasher not a suspence thriller.The killer kidnaps a 15 year old girl , because he wants to "keep her pure" ,and he ties her up and starts calling her kathy after his dead daughter.The film kinda slows down about 30 mins or so into it but before that we get back to back kills involving a Drill, a claw hammer,a puty knife and a nailgun and some of them are pretty graphic.
This is though pretty much your typical slash by numbers joint and honestly I think you know what you are getting if you pick this one up,I mean it is called Toolbox Murders afterall.In the end you could do worse in the genre but there are quite a few better ones out there as well (Maniac or Twitch of the death nerve come to mind.)
Final verdict on The Toolbox Murders 3.25 out of 5.

Thriller: A Cruel Picture

Thriller : A Cruel Picture (1973)
A.K.A. Hooker’s Revenge A.K.A. They Call Her One Eye

Thriller: A Cruel Picture is better known as They Call Her One Eye and is widely recognised as the main influene behind Quentin Tarrentino’s Kill Bill series.You can totally see the resemblances in this film.Thriller Stars the always lovely Christine Lindberg (Maid in Sweden,Anita,Exposed) as Frigga a woman who was raped as a small child and now lives with her parents on their farm.Ever since the experience as a child she has not talked at all,So her parents send her to many expensive doctors for therapy to help and get her passed the Horrowing event from her past.One day Frigga is off to town for one of her appointments and she misses her bus out of the farmlands,A man in a nice car pulls up and offers to give Frigga a ride ,which she suprisingly eagerly excepts.We find that the man is tony who is a quite wealthy playboy type as he convinces Frigga to go to dinner with him at a fancy restaraunt and then after he takes her back to his place for drinks.Turns out Tony is not the nice guy he portrays to young Frigga as he drugs her and she passes out for several days.When she awakes ,she finds that tony has been pumping her full of heroin in order to get her hooked,This is all part of his plan to make Frigga his newest addict prostitute.Tony runs an upscale yet seedy underground brothel where he kidnaps young women and gets them hooked to heroin in exchange for a fix they are forced to do sexual favors for him and his clients.When Frigga gets her first john she attacks him clawing at his face ,so Tony in order to teach frigga a lesson carves her eye out with a scalpel.After she is healed she becomes more popular with the clients as they all refer to her as One Eye.There is plenty of nudity and sex in this film which in this case is not a bad thing because in my opinion Christine Lindberg has got to be one of the most beautiful Actresses of all time.She has one of the cutest faces and she has some of the most innocent and welcoming eyes I have ever seen,This is not to mention that her body is flawless as well possesing some of the nicest natural breasts on earth.Anyway back to the story,After listening to another hooker talk of how she plans to save her money and escape to sweden for rehab ,Frigga decides to come up with her own plan of escape.Revenge. Frigga starts saving the money she recieves from her johns in order to pay for training in Karate,Marksmanship and Stunt driving,becoming all together bad ass.After her training is done Frigga initiates her plan of vengeance killing off her johns one by one via Sawed-off shotgun.Tony finds out about this and hires hitmen to take out frigga to no avail because she is more skilled than said assailants.Finally Frigga gets a chance to get back at Tony and this sets the stage for an elaborate Duel between the two,of course with Frigga getting the best of her man and very cleverly beheading him.
They Call her one eye is the essential Grindhouse film,and is a must have for fans of the revenge genre.There is very little dialogue throughout the whole film but what it lacks in words it more than makes up for in scenery,stylishly shot action sequences and plot.I enjoyed this film thoroughly and even though it is slow at times it pays off in the end.The film really manages to capture your sympathy for this girl and you really want to see her get back at those who have hurt her throughout the films duration.Christine Lindberg was the perfect choice for the role of Frigga due to her Youthfull and innocent looks although she was a nude model for sometime she does not strike you as a girl you would find in such pictures and films.I am a huge fan of Lindberg and this is one of her best if not the best picture she has ever been in.So for fans of grindhouse cinema or revenge flicks like I Spit on your Grave:day of the Woman, I would highly recemend you check this one out.Just make sure you get the uncut version,because this one much like womans prison massacre is raped (no pun intended) in it’s cut and rated forms.
4 out of 5 for this one
simply a must have for fans of cinema in general but especially those into exploitation.

They Don't Cut the Grass Anymore

They Don’t Cut the Grass Anymore (1985)

Let me start off by saying this,Through the years I have grown to have a soft spot for shitty Films and They don’t cut the grass is a perfect example of why.
This is the story of Billy buck and Jacob,two texan hillbillies who move up north to get jobs as Gardners.Thing is These good ol’ boys have a absolute hatred for yuppies and everything they stand for so what do they do?Destroy them of course.Now I use the term destroy because that is exactly what these boys do ,they don’t just kill there victims they completely maim every single one of them,by tearing there faces off ,gutting them Dismembering them ,every kill in this movie is so over the top it almost becomes comedic at a point.Another reason why it is comedic is due to the f/x or lack of used in this film.They entrails look like they used whit yarn,Faces are ripped off and it is clear that they are tearing rubber masks during the scene and there is one hilarious scene where Billy shoots a young woman then places a stick of dynamite in her mouth and lights it up,when they zoom in on the lit fuse and following explosion it is clear as day that they used a blow up doll for the head and body.On top of all that there is the way our two killers look here,billy buck is a tall somewhat built man who wears an excesive amount of eye make up and a pilgrim hat and then we have Jacob who has to be the worst movie killer of all time,he dawns a pilgrim hat as well but he also comes equipt with a Matador vest and a mask that closely resembles the Saxman from the muppets,even sadder is that it is supposed to be his face not a mask,Just wow.Billy acts as the mouthpiece for this dynamic duo and he is constantly spewing out some of the most ridiculous dialogue I have heard in years,although some of it is rather funny at times.The dialogue in this flick is something to behold for sure a few scenes that come to mind are ,billy and jacob take a trip to the movies and they are watching some kind of Blaxploitation film where the lead guy is raping and torturing a white woman and he says some of these little gems "Mmmmmm,Tastes better than watermelon." really? "You gonna take it cuz’ I’m a disco godfather." uh no you’re not(Rudy ray Moore is the only disco godfather)and "don’t give me no sass or I’ll kick yo ass." right before he goes in for the kill.another little gem is when billy finds a yuppie couple foolin around and walks in on them having a discussion about how much the guy loves her for more than just her body and this is what is said "I love you for your brain." then billy cuts in with "then why don’t you fuck her brains out.?" once the male is killed the woman plees them not to rape her and billy says "I ain’t gonna rape you,you smell like fish.I hate seafood.".I could go on and on for awhile on just the dialogue in this film alone but I will spare you any further yammering.There is alot of gore in this film and it truly is reminicent of the work of Herscell Gordon Lewis,meaning it is all way over the top and cheesy.I would suggest this film to anyone who appreciates true grindhouse cinema as this film would fit in nicely in a grindhouse movie night.The film was supposedly made in just seven days and that is truly believable after watching this movie.I mean it is so low budget that you can even hear the film rolling during some of the audio periodically throughout the film.They don’t cut the grass anymore is truly a gore film or splatter whatever sub-horror genre you wanna call it in every sence of the term,it is just non stop blood and guts from begining to end with some dialogue thrown in for good measure.In The closing moments the boys run into a dorm I guess ,it is a house filled with women ,(who oddly all look alike) and while picking them off one by one there are two girls they have tied up inside the house,one of which is a psychiatrist.The worst psychiatrist on the planet mind you,she says she is gonna talk her way out of the ties and she talks to Jacob ,promising to help him because he is hurting than tells him to look in the mirror because he is fucking ugly,Great work.Oddly though jacob releases them and even gives them a knife,then they try and fight the boys off,I will leave out what happens after this point because the ending is a nice little touch.
So when all is said and done They dont cut the grass anymore reminds me of why I have grown to love cheese ,that said this is not a great movie if you are looking for something to make you think,but if you wanna let your mind go for 70 mins or so,you cant go wrong with this little cinematic treasure.
I would give this one 3.5 out of 5 (strictly on charm alone,not quality I assure you.)
If ya like cheese this one is overflowing with the cheddar.

The Untold Story

The Untold Story (1993)
A.K.A.Bunman/Human Meat Pies/The Eight Immortal Restaraunt

The film opens up in 1978 during a Mahjong game that goes wrong and a man gets killed,we see the culprit going through the process of changing his identity and we catch up with the renamed and reestablished Wong Chi Hang 13 years later ,who apparently has just taken over the ownership of (The roughly translated) Eight Immortals restaraunt.Meanwhile the Macau Police force finds some remains washed a shore of some missing peoples,the police begins to investigate and find that the remains are those of the former owner of the establishment and his family.So of course Wong quickly becomes the top suspect.Turns out Wong has a very short temper and a pension for cheating in Mahjong ,we learn this when during another game he is caught cheating by an employee and when the man confronts Wong about it he is promptly hacked to death with a viscious clever and then his remains are grinded and prepared in Meat buns for the customers the next day.Police arrive to question Wong about the whereabouts of Cheng Poon and his family and he pleads the fifth ,while one of his employees tells the police a bit too much by Wong’s standards and ,she is quickly dispersed of once the restaraunt closes in very violent fashion (Rape with a handfull of chopsticks) and again prepared in the restaraunt for all of his patrons and this time the entire police force as well.Finally the police decide to take Wong in for questioning and use some very questionable interrogation methods,literally beating the crap out of Wong in hopes to get him to confess but, Wong is a tough cookie and is not cracking at all.The police begin to gain attention for their lack of restraint and in order to get the attenition off of their methods they decide to lock him up in prison where Poon’s brother is incarcerated for murder in hopes that the prisoners will beat the truth out of him,and boy do they try.After several very brutal beatings in prison Wong attempts to kill himself by cutting his wrists on a rough steel cup edge and then biting the veins until they burst,but the guards make the save just in time and he is trasported to a nearby hospital where the beatings ensue after he attempts escape.All of the sudden the Hong Kong authorities arrive at the Macau office requesting that Wong is released to them as they have been hunting for him for murder for over 8 years.While at the hospital the doctors and police force decide to try drugging Wong and keeping him awake until he finally breaks which after a long and painfull series of torture scenes he finally does.This leads to another extremely graphic scene showing what exactly happened to the family of the restaraunt owner.Again a mahjong goes horribly wrong when Wong wins and is not paid his due,Poon refuses to payup and Wong loses it attacking the family and ties them all up then forces Poon to watch him bite a chunk off of his wifes face then stabbing her to death with a broken bottle ,cutting his young sons throat before stabbing Poon in the neck with the bottle as well.This leaves only Poons four very young daughters alive which Wong quickly dispences of them with a very large butcher knife cutting all of their throats and decapitating one.Not content with just that Wong then picks up Poons mother in law and brings her to the restaraunt to witness the carnage before offing her with the blade as well.The police then ask what Wong did with the bodies and he smiles and laughs telling them that they in fact have eaten them.Once again Wong is incarcerated in Macau and they plan to put him to trial but Wong beats them to the punch and proceeds to cut his wrists with a soda can lid killing himself before sentenced.
This film is one I used to see all the time years ago and was hestant to pick up because for some reason I thought it would be too much for me to handle ,but now that I have been sufficiently descencetized I decided to give it a go and of course it is out of print in the states ,so I went through a Hong Kong Distributor and I am glad I did.This movie is indeed over the top in the gore department but it has alot of comedic aspects to it as well with the antics of the police force.I really enjoyed this film and if gorehounds out there can not miss this one,it is top notch.The story in this one is supposed to be based on a true story and if that is true than wow what a tale indeed.In fact there is a similar thing that happened in my hometown that resembles this tale very closely which is another reason I wanted to check this one out.Anywho if you enjoy gore there is plenty here and if you are a fan of any of the tokyo shock films or asia extreme films this is a must see because this one kind of set the trend for future ultra violent japanese movies.
If you can find this one pick it up it is truly an awesome cinematic experience.
4 out of 5

The Sinful Dwarf

The Sinfull Dwarf (1973)

Sinfull dwarf is a strange movie to say the least.This is the story of Peter and Mary , a young cuople down on their luck searching for a place to stay.The couple finds a run down apartment complex managed by Mrs. Lila Lash and maintained by her "son" Olaf ,a demented little dwarf played by Torben Bille ,who plays his role flawlessly.Lash secretly runs a brothel out of her attic where she holds three young girls captive and manages to keep them relatively quite and powerless by getting them hooked on heroin against their will.Mrs.Lash is an ex-broadway style actress/performer and throughout the film she bursts into song and dance to entertain her elderly drunken friend who seems to always be stopping by.Mary begins to grow tired of the noise in the complex but not just the endless song numbers . She stats to hear womens screams with no clue of where they are coming from and she begins to notice a growing influx of men coming and going at all hours heading into the storage attic.While Peter seeks work,Mary is left behind at the complex and she decides to investigate the sounds and finds nothing.Peter eventually gets a job delivering stuffed bears for a man named Santa Claus , who happens to smuggle heroin inside his toys.Mrs. Lash is in need of some new girls and she takes a liking to Mary as she fits the bill perfectly.One day while Peter is at work Mary finally finds what she is looking for and reveals the captive women but unfortunately for her she is caught and taken hostage herself.Olaf chains Mary up and drugs her amongst other things ,Like brutally raping her with his cane in graphic fashion,Making for one of the films more stomach turning scenes . Peter returns and grows suspicious of Mary’s disappearance ,he goes to the police after finding a note and also finding about the heroin racket run by santa accidetly . The police trace the drugs to Mrs.lash’s place and this leads to the final showdown and downfall of Lash’s opperation.This movie is not gory at all but it is definitley not for the faint of heart.There are some really brutal rape scenes and torture scenes throughout and the version I have is the XXX uncut version which does in fact include some straight up hardcore simulated rape scenes Meat and potatoes and all.As far as I could tell these are the only scenes that would be cut to make it a unrated version and in all honesty they add nothing to the film other than making it a bit more creepy.The atmosphere and characters of Mrs.Lash and Olaf are downright disturbing and succeed on many levels to make the viewer feel uneasy just watching them.The opening theme has got to be one of the strangest I have ever heard but it is seriously awesome.This movie kind of reminded me of Private Parts ,which in my mind is a good thing.The sinful Dwarf is definitley worth a viewing if you are looking for something completely out of the ordinary . A very good exploitation/horror that works with very little and pulls it off effortlessly.
3.5 out of 5

The Newlydeads

The newlydeads (1987)

The Newlydeads takes place in a Honeymooners Lodge owned by Lloyd a playboy of sorts.The movie starts off with a young single woman checking inot the hotel and needs a room to take a load off after a long raod trip.Once chacked in Lloyd offers her a bottle of wine and company,Then lloyd starts putting the moves on this young woman and all is going well until Lloyd accidently removes the womans wig revealing that the waoman is in fact a Transvestite.At this point Llyd flips out and engages in a fist fight with said cross dresser coming uo short in hand to hand combat Lloyd stabs and kills the young Transgendered woman with an Ice pick.
Flash Forward 15 years and we re connect with lloyd on his wedding day,which is interupted by a corpse in a wedding dress that apparently only lloyd can see.Meanwhile a couple heading out for vacation run over the corpse/ghost and the wife of said couple is a psychic and can see Jackie’s corpse as well.After a argument the couple decide to stay the night at Lloyds Lodge and Cris "the psychic" decides to do some investigating on this corpse and she finds out that Lloyd had killed her.Throughout the film we learn that Jackie is out for revenge and that she has become a very powerful spirit with the ability to shapeshift ,becoming any person she wants and also she has the power to take over humans when she touches them.We meet some other couples staying at the lodge that serve only as fodder for the body count in the film as jackie offs most of them in rather unoriginal ways.jackie takes over Lloyds wife in a shower scene while lloyd and his wife are having sex and when he sees Jackie he ends up stabbing her but in turn actually ends up killing his wife.After this point Cris and Lloyd plot to take out jackie for good.Let me just say that this film is absolute shit and I find it funny that they make a hero out of the lodge owner who killed jackie in the begining just because she was transgendered.Most would consider that a hate crime I would thnk,it’s kind of like making the KKK heroes in a film about black children ghosts.The movie is more homo-phobic than anything I have ever seen.I just dont understand how you could glamourise the murder of someone just because they are different and make that out to be a good thing.Now if Lloyd were to die and they still offed the jackie character in the end than fine but to make the Hatefull owner of the hotel the hero is just beyond me.Now this is not the only reason this movie is awful there are plenty of reasons,The cast seemingly grows non stop through the film and some characters just serve no purpose at all ,they pop in and than you never see them again.The gore is awful the acting is awful and I just really disapprove of the message the film is sending by making the Homophobic hotel owner /Hate crime killer a good guy is just not right.Now I am not gay but even I thought this was low .
this movie sucks,point blank .thank god it is only an hour and ten minutes long.
The only saving grace of this film is tht there are a few nice looking women in the film and you get to see afew boobs but that does not even come close to righting the wrongs in this flick.
1 out of 5
Don’t waste your time on this one unless you really have a hatred for trannies.
Which I don’t I think they are lovely people.

Tenement

Tenament (1985)
A.K.A. Slaughter in the South Bronx
A.K.A. Game of Survival

Tenament is the story of a run down apartment complex in the south bronx that has been taking over by Chaco and his gang of violent junky street thugs.The super of the building has the gang evicted and arrested in the begining of the movie only to have the gang released shortly after.Once the news is out that the gang had been erradicated from the site the tennants decide to have a party.Unbeknownst to them the gang was already on their way back and looking for some revenge.At this point the movie turns into kind of a cross between "The Warriors" and "Last house on the Left." Tenament is Straight up and down a Urban Exploitation film / Revege flick.The gang cuts the phone cords to the building and head in to start plucking off the tenants one by one in violent fashion. This film was unrated because at the time of release it was deemed too violent for the MPAA Ratings commision,which I find suprising considering the films violence is rather tame in comparison to alot of films released during that time.I mean the early to mid 80’s were chock filled with over the top blood and guts that got released without a whimper.Although there is a rather brutal scene where the gang breaks into a womans room and proceed to beat and then rape her ,The victim stabs her rapist in the eye with scissors and then the gang entertain the thought of raping her with a broomstick,this part is not shown ingraphic detail though it is implied and the aftermath is shown.The killings begin to get interesting and innovative once the tennants start fighting back,like one scene in particular where one of our heroes decides to attach some live electrical wires to an old bedspring set and then use it as a makeshift electrical fence to fry some of the gangsters and another scene where Rudy one of the gang members (played bydan snow who played cigarface in The Toxic Avenger)robs a tennant junkie in order to score some dope but injects himself with rat poison instead.tenament is a pretty nice little hidden gem in the revenge movie genre and I had never even heard of it before coming across it in a "Grindhouse" DVD 3 Pack along with "The Cop Killers" and "Don’t go in the house" truly I was pleasantly surprised by this one,and I absolutely loved the soundtrack in this film,The Opening and closing tune is a cheesy 80’s rap song titled conviniently enough "The Tenament" which is a riot to listen to it is kind of a rip off "The message" byGrandmaster Flash.I love Old rap music,it’s what I grew up on ,well that and iron Maiden.Anyway Tenament is a pleasnt little film and I would recomend it to anyone who likes Revege flicks this one is a winner.
3 out of 5 for Tenament.
Some decent gore,some shitty acting,and some downright awesome music .You cant mess that equation up now can you..?I am looking at you Breakin’2 electric Boogaloo....sans the gore.

Tales from the Quadead Xone

Tales from the Quadead Zone (1987)

Chester Novell Turner should go down in history as the worst director/filmaker of all times.the only reason he wont is because not many people have actually seen his two entries into filmland.The first film he made is by far the more popular ,I use that term losely,of his films.Black devil Doll From Hell,now if you have seen that film you should now what to expect from one of his films.Shitty film quality,really shitty acting,and some of the most annoying music ever put on film.Both of his films have music playing through the whole film and more often than not it drowns out the dialogue,which is almost a blessing in disguise but the music is just as bad,it is all made on a cheap casio keyboard.After his second film,the one in which I will reivew here Mr.Turner all but vanished from the world completely.
Tales from the quadead zone is about a woman who lives with her husband and talks to her deceased childs ghost all day while her husband is out.Shirley ,I will call her that because she is not given a name in the film and she is played by Shirley L. Jones (the "star" of Black devil doll from hell) sits down to read some stories to her son when a book appears out of nowhere entitled "Tales from the Quadead Zone".The first story is titled Food for ? and when she reads out the title she actually says "Food For Question Mark." The story is about a White trash family who apparently are to poor and to stupid to keep eachother fed,There are 8 members of the family at the dinner table and only four sandwiches so instead of splitting the sandwiches in half they wait for a bell to be rang after grace is said and whoever gets their hands on a sandwich gets to eat that night.Well the big brother is tired of this and decides that it only makes sence to start offing some of the family to ensure he gets some food,so the next night he comes to the dinner table with a shotgun and shoots two of his sisters.this routine repeats for something like two days and then the story abruptly ends just showing pictures of the remaining family and what happened to them,Two more were killed ,two are "Living high on the hog,in the witness protection program" and the trigger happy big guy gets killed in the state gas "Chair".

Our second story is entitled "Brothers" and tells the tale of Fred and Ted Johnson two brothers who apparently have had one hell of a sibling rivalry growing up.Fred was apparently the favorite and he had alot of money and even went as far as to steal teds wife from him,while ted is struggling as a low income janitor.Fred passes away and ted feels that it would be a great idea to steal his dead brothers body in order to get some revenge for what was done to him ,turns out teds ex , the one that married fred had killed herself and ted blames his brother for this .we learn all this while freds corpse in lying in a bathtub and ted is talking to it,then ted gets the bright idea of dressing up his deceassed brother as a clown and burrying him in the houses crawl space,shortly after the clown treatment fred comes back to life (big surprise there) and kills Ted,during this scene freds corpse is trying to say something but you cant hear a damn word due to the shitty audio tone voice effect they used for his voice.

Now the Third and final story even though technically this film should have four stories since it is the Quad-Dead Zone anyway this story is not even in the book she is reading although on the imdb page it does title this one "Unseen Vision"
It is just basically Shirley and her husband getting into a fight about her taling to her dead son and how Darryl the father thinks she is crazy.they get into a physical altercation with shirley recieving a beating with the book.they fight some more and shirley stabs the husband.I guess darryl makes it to the phone because cops arrive shortly,and funny thing about this scene is that you hear sirens but when the cops show up there is no patrol car just a beater and there is no siren,plus the cops are out of uniform and come to the door with guns drawn not even knowing the situation...anyway the cops find darryls dead body and prepare to take shirley away but she locks herself in the bathroom and cuts her throat while Upbeat Casio Samba music plays in the background.While she is dying there are shots of shirley and her son bobby playing in the park and then we see what happens to her after death,she apparently becomes a shitty camera effect along with her son and they sit down together to read more stories.
Then the screen fades to black and.....Tales from the quadead zone will return....

Well it never did and neither did Chester Novell turner.I hunted this movie down after years going by after seing black devil Doll from hell and never knowing that this guy had made another film,well I found it and it sucked.I mean so did Black devil doll from hell but that one at least had some sort of novelty effect,since it was so over the top,but this one is just the pits,and a shitty attempt to make a anthology film.
1 out of 5 (truly one of the worst movies of all time,and I dare someone to find something worse than this one.But becarefull if you do it may cause your eyes to explode

Takin' It All Off

Takin’ It All Off (1987)

This is the story of a Stripping school that is in financial burden,until a lovely farm girl Allison (Candi Evans) and her father (George "Buck" Flowers) arrive from there farm.Allison wants to become a stripper to make money for her and her out of work father.Only problem is Ali has a problem getting naked,which obviously hinders her stripping career aspirations.On top of that Becky (Becky Labeau) the owner of the estblishment has 30 days to make her rent or the school is going to be closed down by the sleazy owner steve.Becky and the gang decide to contact Bob ,one of the most prestigous erotic dance club owners in America and put a performance on for him in hopes of him funding the joint.He is impressed by the girls ,Allison in particular but he says he will not fund there school unless Ali can take it off.The girls decide to call up Bettie Bigones ,yes big ones (Kitten Natividad) The worlds most famous stripper ,to find out how Allison could get over her problem with "cold Tit".Turns out that Bettie had a similar problem in her begining stages and she went to a hypnotist to get over her problem.Becky and her gay choreographer Elliot find the hypnotist and proceed to put Ali under,when she awakes she cannot stop stripping.In fact everytime she hears music she has to take it off ,even in public parks around nuns and strange futuristic breakdancers who wear speakers on there chests.The song is always the same and it plays everywhere and some people like a certain waiter in a restaraunt even whistle the tune of the title track "Takin’ it off" you hear this song at least 20 times through the film.Alison begins to get overwhelmed by her new found exhibitionist behavior and wants to be cured but it is close to show time.In the end they decide to let her go on being this freakish stripping woman and they put on there show complete with slow motion jumping jacks...Hoooray! the hypnotists shows up (sidenote,the hypnotist is wanted by the police for hypnotising old folks home residents into having an orgy) and the whole crowd is put under and they all begin to strip in the end.
Alison falls in love with one of the schools towel boys Hadem’s twin brother Adam and all is good and well in the world.The end.
This flick is your typical 80’s cheesecake flick with lots of titties surrounded by a shitty story of financial wowes ,very similar to the Bikini Carwash series.For all the perverts out there ,there is plenty to look at in this one ,as the film features several softcore/hardcore and horror starlets of the era plus Kitten Natividad and you cant really go wrong with her in my eyes,with the exception of the double D avenger.There is almost nothing but nudity in this one and suprisingly the girls in this one are pretty well groomed downstairs for it being made in the 80’s which was pleasant I suppose but not expected for a movie from the 80’s.
some of the girls featured in this one were
Candie Evans:Allison (Electric Blue series and swedish erotica ,Porn)
Gail Harris :McCall the british gold digger (Electric blue series and Sorority house massacre 2)
Beck Labeau:Becky (Dinosaur Island,Bikini drive in,back to school,and Joysticks)
and of course
Kitten Natividad:Bettie Bigones (Russ Meyers’ Up:Megavixens,beneath the valley of the ultra vixens,Double d avenger and countless porns including John Holmes and the all star sex queens "which is awesome")
There is a niche market for these nudie films , so if you are one who is into them this one is a good one,but if you are not a person who grew up staying up late to watch cinemax when the parents went to bed ,this one may be lost on you.
I for one was one of those kids and I can appreciate a film like this for what it is,A harmless romp with low brow humor and an exscuse to show some skin.
3 out of 5
for the quality of woman chosen for this film.The rest of the film is shit.