Wednesday, September 7, 2011


Hardbodies (1984)
Dir:Mark Griffiths (Hardbodies 2/Beethovens 5th/Behind Enemy Lines)

Ah yes here I am again returning to what is probably my second favorite genre of film, The 80's Sex comedy. Let me explain right now, I by no means think any of these films are good for the most part , the genre just has a nostalgic special place in my heart as growing up before in a time before the internet and easy access to porn at the touch of a button and not being old enough to rent VHS Porn, I had to settle for one of two things to get my jollies and those were Japanese Anime and Skinimax films like Hardbodies. Now looking back on these films for some reason I still have a soft spot for them much like running into an old crush from high school or an ex girlfriend that brings up good memories. With that said ,however I d  actually enjoy the lighthearted spirit of most of these films and the fact they are heavy on T &A didn't hurt things, So throw in a few low brow jokes and you can't really go wrong .
Hardbodies is a little different approach to the genre and strays away from the typical group of nerds trying to get laid and replaces them with a group of divorcees looking to score with some younger ladies during their mid life crisis chapter of life.
 The film opens with the expected nude shots and girls in bikini's before we meet the films "Hero" Scotty a popular surfer who has a way with the ladies , his girlfriend Kristi and Scotty's quirky friend Rag as they hit the beach living the laid back surfer lifestyle. Then a trio of middle aged men Hunter,Ashby and Rounder arrive on the beach to buy some beachfront property to use as a party house for these newly single bachelors to look cool in attempt to get themselves some young tail. After quickly learning that it takes a bit more than a beach house to impress these beach bunnies and after finding out that many of the girls are not going to "Fuck a Fossil for free." they feel a bit down. Then Scotty who is on the verge of loosing his apartment due to late rent decides to approach the trio looking for work, He offers to detail their cars in the process taking one for a joy ride and passing it and the house off as his own to impress some ladies. Hunter and the guys return from a failed hunting trip to find what Scotty has done but instead of being angry , Hunter decides to offer him a place to stay and 500 a week spending money in exchange for Scotty teaching them how to "Dialogue" with the young girls and get some action going. At first Scotty doesn't trust the bunch but after returning to his house that has been boarded up and sleeping on the beach for the night he returns and accepts the job for 600 a week and room and board. Shortly after we are treated to a montage of Scotty showing them some tricks of the trade and giving the guys some makeovers. In the process handing out flyers to ladies for a huge party they plan to throw in the lovely beach home in order to better their chances.

The night of the party approaches and the band Scotty booked has backed out, He being the quick thinking surfer recruits an all girl band to perform by tricking them into believing he is a band manager and could get them a deal at the party from a record exec. The party is full swing and things appear to be going off without a hitch , As Alphy hooks up with a young lady who likes him purely for his personality while Hunter and Rounder throw some b.s. to the ladies to get what they are after. Rounder manages to trick some girls into thinking he is a photographer for a model agency , which leads to him getting a room full of nude ladies and while that is going on Scotty lucks out and a record producer likes the band and would like to take them on as an act. Things appear all good until Kristi gets upset at the ways the guys are getting the girls of their desires and she feels Scotty is a slime ball and leaves the party upset.The following morning it appears that mission is accomplished as Ashby and Hunter conquered what they were after while Rounder got stuck with Candi the big tease who "Melts in your ears and not in your Hands." leaving him with blue balls.

While the gang re cooperates , Scotty heads to the record producer Rocco's office and pitches him a new name for the band calling them the "Hardbodies" this happens to fit well with the guys other business interest which happens to be body builders. After some talks things get rolling and the gang all head out on the town to celebrate.After a wild night at a night club and the bands first big gig, the guys and gals head out to the beach as sun ruses but not before Rounder meets a lovely young girl working at a hot dog stand. While at the beach everyone is hooking up and while the couples are on the beach, Rounder stays in the limo with Didi where we find out that he has quite a impressive endowment which becomes a reoccurring theme for his character later in the film. All is smooth until Hunter is with Candi who continues to throw sexual advances at him only to get denied each time he makes a move. After a few advances get denied he takes a more aggressive approach which does not sit well with Scotty and he comes to the rescue. while Scotty is consoling Candi and asking her why she constantly plays the slut role only to not put out , she says it is to get attention, meanwhile hunter pulls a sleazy move and heads up to see Kristi and tricks her into thinking that Scotty has left her to hook up with Candi, She see's him holding her and this sends her over the edge to the point of her breaking her up with him. In attempt to reconcile, Scotty sends some roses to Kristi asking her to meet him at the "Hardbodies" Big show on the beach the following day.

While at the big show on the beach, A group of goons called the Geeks start some trouble with Scotty which leads to a chase through the water on speed boats and Scotty ends up running out of gas and getting stranded . When he finally makes his way back to the beach the show is over and Rag informs Scotty that Kristi has decided to give up on him and she had left with Hunter. Rag and Scotty head to the beach house to see hunter trying to seduce Kristi and Scotty tries to get some words in but is disposed of by Hunter before he can make his case. After much debate Kristy decides that she does love Scotty but  she wants something more serious and goes along with hunter who has now kicked Scotty out of the beach house, Hunter is now mixing business with the party house and is becoming a complete dick and sets up a big party in order to find investors for a T.V. Show stealing the tricks of the trade he has learned from Scotty. At the party it is nothing but old rich guys looking to grope young women and this upsets Alphy who decides to help Rag and Scotty ambush the party. As expected shenanigans occur and the party is a complete disaster leading to Hunter loosing his investors and nearly burning down the house. However Hunter does admit to Kristi that he was ying about the issue with Candi and she decides to return to Scotty giving us the expected happy ending.

There are a few things that set Hardbodies apart from the rest of the slew of 80's sex comedies that saturated the scene during that time. First the film not being set in a High School or College, Second the main characters in this one being middle aged men as opposed to the typical gang of young nerds looking to score and three in this one the fat guy gets laid,not only that but he is portrayed as the biggest stud out of the group which is honestly a breath of fresh air in a genre filled with hunks disguised as nerds getting that billing for the most part. One thing however that kind of hinders this film is that for a comedy it is kinda short on humor, There are a few truly funny moments but it is not nearly as slapstick as most of the films in the genre. But there is a ton of nudity and all the girls are very pretty, and the pacing of the story is well put together. The mixture of several different sub plots like the band for instance all get enough time to develop nicely and the film does work on several levels. If you are a child of the 80's like me and have fond memories of  the old days of staying up late to switch on cinemax after midnight or tricking your parents into renting you a movie just to get a chance to see some boobs and not get caught for it then there is something to be enjoyed in this film. In all truth as far as these types of films go this one is rather well acted and is produced at a higher quality than a majority of the others of it's kind and the characters in this film area actually quite likable other than hunter who does manage to come off like a total prick and in that role that is a good thing in the end.So all in all it is a enjoyable ride down memory lane for fellow retro pervs of sorts. If you wanna reminisce back to a much simpler time where plain old goofy fun party movies with boobs was good enough for you to spend a night with then go  ahead and check this one out. There is a sequel to this film and I am sure it is awful but it is extremely rare and if I can manage to find a copy I surely will review it here in the future.
Overall:6 out of 10

1 comment:

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