Sunday, December 5, 2010


ThanksKilling (2009)

Well, This is a Little Late for Thanksgiving but Keeping in tradition I decided I would put this up anyway. My other viewing tradition for this holiday I am not going to review since it has ties to my job and I don't review Porn here especially senior citizen Porn at that...So with that said let's get down to This little gem.
So the movie pretty much let's us know exactly what to expect within the opening seconds of the film, It opens moments after the first Thanksgiving 1621 with a pilgrim women running through the woods with her breasts out, and something is chasing her with Evil dead blurred vision this time in purple.then the women is killed by a Turkey puppet that spews endless one liners "Nice Tits Bitch" ...lovely. I can see we are in for a real treat here.Flash forward to present time and we are introduced to our main characters who are the typical genre fodder College kids  as Johnny The Jock and second string quarterback, Christine the good girl, Allie the slut, Darren the nerd and Billy the fat comedic relief , as they head out to see their families for "Thanksgiving" Break...?
During their road trip we are treated to some character development and dialogue that is god awful and a joke about the slut girls legs being harder to close than the Jean Bennet Ramsey case, That is repeated more than once in the films entirety..Heres a note to the film makers , if it ain't funny the first time it only gets worse the second time around.Anyway So the gangs jeep breaks down and they decide to camp out where they get stuck for the night, meanwhile we see a redneck named Hermit searching for his dog who is killed after pissing on the "Grave" of the killer turkey. Upon finding the dogs corpse and the turkey , The Fowl says that the dog "Pissed him off"...yeah... Turkey escapes and we return to the gang as Darren tells them that they are on the land where an Indian had cursed the white man by creating a demonic killer turkey that is set out to kill the white man.the bird returns every 505 years and apparently it has been 505 years to that day, which would make this film take place in the year 2162?.  The gang of course doesn't buy into the story until Christine is chased by said turkey while trying to call her dad in the woods. The next morning Billy awakes to the Hermit standing over him with a shotgun and he tells them that he was watching over them in order to protect them from the turkey. The gang then fixes their jeep and continues down the road to their families homes. Here we see The Turkey Hitchhiking to get to the town first and is picked up by a guy who tries to sodomize the bird..yep, that happened.The guy gets shot and the bird takes control of the car and heads down the road.
Allie is dropped off at home and she immediately invites a guy over while at Johnny's house , He speaks with his distant father about football when the turkey shows up and cuts his fathers throat,

We don't see anything else that happens and johnny goes to Christine's house to join the rest of the gang and they plan to go get Allie. Back at Allie's she is having sex when The turkey arrives and kills her mate and then takes over and has sex with her before killing her when she notices.Then the rest of the gang show up to find her body and a extra small gravy flavored condom.None of which is shown and the gang doesn't even seem slightly bothered by this. At this point they decide to go to Christine's fathers house who is the town sheriff in order to find a book on demonic turkey's. But the turkey gets there first and the dad let's the turkey in and has a conversation with it while waiting for his daughter.The turkey is wearing glasses so the sheriff thinks he is a midget.?

Before the group makes it to their destination the turkey kills the father and puts his face on, so when the group shows up they don't notice that it is not the Sheriff and act as if nothing is wrong while they look for the book

Billy finds the turkey dragging the corpse of Christine's dad and then realizes the turkey is not  her father, After removing a Talisman from the bird the turkey makes an escape , Now the turkey can be killed by burning it at a stake but Billy is upset and hungry so he takes off and the gang follow him shortly to save him from being killed, They find him too late though as he is tempted by a cartoon turkey which he eats and then the killer turkey explodes out of his stomach.Think I'm kidding? Trust me this movie known no bounds of stupidity.

Upon finding Billy's body, Darren goes off into a montage of flashbacks of all his good times with his buddy and this is set to the tune of a horrible South Park style Knock off song describing their friendship and him being dead.The gang tracks down the turkey in his tee-pee and they tie him up and perform a prayer ritual that supposedly weakens the bird and while the fowl tries to make escape , the hermit returns to blast the feathered fiend with his shotgun straight into a radioactive waste canister.The group now believe the bird is dead so they decide to go home and watch a movie....?while at Christine's home Johnny and Christine start to make out and Darren heads to the kitchen when the bird, Now glowing returns and pecks his heart out after removing his tongue in gruesome fashion, this makes for the best killing scene in the film but not nearly good enough to save this film from utter trashdom.
Johnny goes to check on darren finding his body shortly before eing gutted with a electric carving knife.
Christine comes to the save but she is too late, At this point Christine Lights the bird aflame and knocks him into a pile of wood. Hermit returns again to say good job and she replies "I know" as she bites into a turkey leg while watching the flames rise.
Shortly after we see a family saying grace before thanksgiving dinner and the cooked turkey stands up and says " Do  I smell A Sequel?' followed by text reading To Be Continued ....In Space.
I sure as hell hope not.You know the only reason I watched this one was because I was looking for something Holiday themed and this one is just god awful. It tries way too hard to be funny but low-Brow South park funny so much though that it misses the point of Their humor and just goes into Jr. High bully humor. Honestly I was trying to find one redeeming quality about this film and for once I have found a film where I can truthfully say that there are none, well except for the fact that it's short. So it has that going for it as if it's a good thing, at least I don't feel like I have wasted my whole day watching this piece of shit.All I can say about Thankskilling is that when the credits came scrolling down I was Thankful the movie was over because it was just terrible. You can tell the makers of the film are fans of horror but only ones where the killer cracks jokes Like Elm St. or Child's Play but in some circumstances that can be done effectively giving the monster added dimension but this one comes off as juvenile and reads more like Doom Asylum or Nail gun Massacre than anything else.Although I did enjoy those flicks this one truly lacks the so bad it's good charm those films possess and this one just comes off as some people who think south park is the greatest thing ever and really can't get that style imitation down right at all, well because south Park can be genuinely you know .....Funny. this was close to a The newer Lampoon stuff than anything else and it just reeks of awfulness....anyway now for the verdict.
I am really gonna try and gives this film something here....

Nudity: 2 (for the two boobs in the beginning)
Characters : 0 (nothing new or even worth watching)
gore: 3 (One maybe two decent Kills)
story: 0 (A killer turkey?)
Villain: 0 (A killer turkey.....Would have been better off with a guy dressed as a turkey or a pilgrim)
overall score 1 out of 10  (just because it was an actual movie and not a fucked up dream from cold medicine someone made this and it deserves some kind of recognition.)

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