Sunday, December 26, 2010

Alien Sex Party

Moby Presets : Alien Sex Party (2002)
Dir: Paul Yates
Starring: Moby, Brian O' Halloran (Clerks/ Clerks 2/ Mallrats) Dyanna Lauren (Adult Film Star)

So before I jump into this review allow me to say that for those of you out there who do not know me personally, I work at a Adult Shop, Selling porn, Sexual aides and dealing with some very unique individuals on a daily basis to say the least. So with that said I went into this film knowing a bit about the source material and I have always thought a film about following the day of porn shop employees would make for an excellent film, especially a comedy given some of the people and things you come across on a nightly basis. With that said this film does not deliver at all. The film focuses on Tina and Joe an employee and owner of Amazing Video , An Adult video store as they work late on Christmas eve for a Signing from Porn star Dyanna Lauren.
Tina is a sexual advanced young woman who has a penchant for some strange sexual behavior such as incest and a brief stint with beastiality.

While Joe the owner of the shop is a awkward man who has no business owning  a shop of this nature as he is disturbed by all the product and knows nothing of the items entailed. We meet Adam , Tina's ex boyfriend and cousin as he hangs around the shop with a few others through the night. The movie is a direct rip on Clerks and in one of the films only highlights we get a cameo from Dante of Clerks reprising his role of Quick Stop employee.
This scene is decent and is very close to what you would see in the deleted scenes of the actual movie. I like the idea of a clerks style Film with this subject instead of the liquor store but as I said , This one just does not deliver. So we get the obvious run throughs of the customers that visit the shop, and some are funny but most miss the mark of the genuine customer you would see in such a shop.
 The entire time the employees man the shop a man sits outside in a van staking the place out for some reason and we learn out why in a truly stupid twist in the end of the film. Most of the consumers are purchasing KY Jelly and at a point the film seems like just a really long ad for the product, which gets annoying . There is one genuinely funny scene where Joe is left to ma the shop by himself and a man arrives who has had all his Gifts for Christmas stolen and he hopes to replace them at the shop since it is the only place open. The man needs to get gifts for his entire family and they cannot be pornographic , So Joe springs into action and improvises to moderate success and some of his ideas would allow the gifts to pass as real non adult gifts,Such as A Penis pump as a plunging device for drains and a blow up doll he dresses as Princess Leia from Star Wars Making Joe seem somewhat useful for once coming through in the clutch for the man in dire need.

At one point a man bursts into the store strapped with a bomb threatening to blow the store up since he cannot find anything that arouses him and the staffers and fans waiting around attempt to help the man and he finally gets aroused by The Price is Right, Just one of the films many miss jokes .

Eventually  Dyanna Lauren arrives for her signing and she greets the fans by answering some of her adorers questions.
Shortly after in one of the films several musical numbers Dyanna bursts into a  Christmas themed song and dance routine that is downright Nauseating.

After that she leaves and then we get our closing scene with a ridiculous twist involving Aliens buying up all the KY Jelly in order to eat it and the man that has been staking the place out comes in to take the alien into custody.
The film then closes on shots of the cast and what each character went on to do and none are even remotely funny although they try hard to pull it off. Perhaps it is my love for the movie Clerks or perhaps it is the fact that I work in an actual Porn shop but this movie just really let me down tremendously. When I heard the plot synopsis of this film and the irony that I just worked in said shop last night on Christmas Eve I had high expectations for this one, But you can tell that the makers of the film have never worked in the actual business and have maybe just visited a sex shop a few times in their lives and this is what they imagine working in the industry would be like, But trust me I can tell you from experience it would be truly easy to pull off an actual funny movie from the Stories you gain from working in such a shop.Plus the musical numbers and the alien side story are really lazy and not entertaining at all. With all this complaining maybe I should write my on script for a similar film because I guarantee I could write a funnier more entertaining film on the subject effortlessly.
 I mean Just off the top of the head I can think of a scene that would trump this film alone, True story. During my first week of work at the shop I sold a man a 9 inch dildo, a pack of Black Inches Magazines and a French Maid outfit. Thinking that he had left the shop moments later I went through the hall of viewing booths I call the "Jack Shacks"  to go to the back to have a smoke break. On the walk I notice the man in a booth with the door open passed out drunk wearing the outfit still clutching the dildo in his hand, When I tell the man he must close his door he grunts at me so I shut his door. By the time I am done with my cigarette and am returning to work, he again has his door open. I cannot help but start laughing as I make my way to the counter. A couple of customers ask what i am laughing about and I tell them about the man , so the two say "I gotta see this" and they make their way to the booths and harass the man in the maid outfit. While watching the surveillance cameras I see the French Maid man Come flying out of his booth to attack the young men and a short fight ensues until the Freak runs directly into a pole knocking himself unconscious. So now in the middle of the hall their is this man just laying out snoring in a maids outfit. I call the police and when they arrive the man had changed into a Hawaiian Shirt and Black thong underwear to be escorted from the building. That scenario there actually happened and on film would play out much funnier than anything portrayed in this shit of a film. I can't think of anyone who would find this movie funny at all other than children too young to actually go into a shop of this type and even that is a stretch.
Nudity:2 (For a movie about a porn shop we only get one pair of tits in the entire film)
Story:5 (endless potential just wasted)
Characters:2 (Horrible actors playing annoying roles)
Overall: 3 out of 10 ( I could be biased  but there is so much potential here it hurts too watch this film as it is presented)

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