Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Andre The Butcher

Andre The Butcher (2005)
Starring: Ron Jeremy
As the film opens we see a Sheriff deputy chasing down an escaped convict through a empty field , Then during a standoff Andre shows up to kill the cop and then throws a knife through the convicts face.
After the opening credits A narrator introduces us to the films main characters. A group of Cheerleaders (The Beavers) on their way to nationals and  their rivals (The Game Cocks) as they fight down the road. The Cocks car breaks down and  The Beavers stop along side them to have a fight, After the fight Jimbo , The male cheerleader is receiving a blow job from Cookie while driving and this leads him to veer off the road and total their car, Running into a light pole and causing a blackout at the same time.
Shortly after the fight a van pulls up to the wounded Game Cocks and it is Andre who makes short work of the gang  killing them off screen and throwing their bodies into his trunk.
The beavers decide to head down the road on foot and come across a house they go to looking for help. The house is vacant and they break in. At this point we see Tober and Hoss a pair of escaped cons also making their way through the open field looking for freedom, On their travels we are introduced to one of the films running gags, A wounded officer who opens fire on them but when they go up to him he is chopped in half and begs them to kill him off.
Back at the house, The beavers plan to split up sending Jimbo and Kristy the "Fat" cheerleader to go back to the car to look for help while Cookie and Jasmine stay back and we are treated to the obviously forthcoming lesbian scene since they hint at Jasmine being lesbian due to her constant voyeurism.The encounter is abruptly put to a halt though as The two convicts arrive at the house and take the girls hostage. While Kristy and Jimbo are lost in the fields and confessing feelings for each other they decide they will hook up but while undressing Kristy sees a donut hanging from a tree (Real Classy) and that distracts her and the temptation is too much which leads to her having her hand severed and her being kidnapped by Andre without Jim noticing even though it happens ten feet away from him.
while this goes on A sheriff shows up at the house in search for the escapees and he turns out to be a crooked lawman and attempts to rape one of the girls until Hoss makes the save turning him into the films hero.
Back in the field Jim is approached by Andre but saved in the knick of time By  Deputy Hollinsworth, A stereotypical "Ghetto" Black woman who shoots Andre blowing his arm off as he makes his escape.
Then we see Andre sewing his arm back on and this leads us to see one of his many super powers he has throughout this film. As Hoss , Tobber and the girls make their way down the road in their newly acquired cop car  they are stopped by Andre standing in the road who somehow telepathically turns their car off and then decapitates Tober via headbutt.
later back at the house the gang regroups and a television turns on showing Kristy tied up and Andre killing her after a montage of her eating, Leading us to believe that Andre kills sinners , Her sin being gluttony, but this is no seven for sure.Then he makes meat out of her remains.
After this we see another T.V. flash back story as we learn that  Hoss was at one time a corrupt priest who was arrested for murder that was in fact self defense while making out with a girl in a car. From this point the gang tries to plan how to kill Andre and they have little success with firearms as they unload on him and all the bullets deflect and miss him blowing up a car behind him which also has no effect. While jasmine is wandering through the house she runs into the Narrator in the basement who tells her that Andre was at one time a church going family man and town butcher until he lost his family in a accident which lead him to question god and he went on a killing spree selling the remains of his victims as meat (Real Original) when he was killed by the towns folk his soul was taken by Satan and he was employed as his head Demon in charge of collecting the souls of sinners. After this Jim and Cookie decide this is perfect time to have sex, and while they are disrobing again with backs turned to each other Jim is killed off screen and Andre rubs her back until she turns to notice it is Andre and she is offed as well by butcher knife.
Hoss , Hollinsworth and Jasmine come up with a plan that they must give Andre a proper burial to put him to rest and they head out to lead Andre to his grave site. On their journey they  discuss what they plan to do if they survive and we are treated to one of the most offensive lines in the film, While Hoss plans to head to Mexico to start a family and Jasmine is unsure Hollinsworth says " All I want is 2 Bottles of Hennessey and some Dick" (Again real Classy) . Along the way the group looses all their holy water and Hollinsworth is Killed while trapped in a spider web , as she freaks since she is deathly afraid of spiders and takes a knife to the head.
As the final battle ensues there is a showdown between Jasmine who apparently is a martial artist And Andre as they dual with knives.Hoss performs a prayer over Andre's Grave as jasmine is stabbed in the gut and Hoss shortly after.

As the two lay on the ground near Andre Casket, Hoss Comes up with the bright idea of using his piss as Holy water and this works , causing Andre to burst into flames and we are then flashed to our Narrator telling us the deprived moral of the film as he sit by the Cut in half cop who is constantly popping up begging to be killed.
            This film is pretty bad, I mean some of the gore is decent but, the story , the acting and the characters were all just awful and completely unlikeable.The film goes too hard for low brow laughs, such as Fart and poop gags , Bad sex puns and fat jokes.If you have the sense of humor of a Jr. High school kid then this should be up your alley but if you are anywhere beyond that then you will be annoyed by this within the first ten minutes of the film.I mean I can understand some humor in this film would be necessary as it obviously is not a film to be taken seriously, I mean Ron Jeremy plays the killer for crying out loud. I for one can appreciate low brow humor at times , actually when done right I truly enjoy it. I do love Troma films and they are nothing but low brow humor for the most part.This little stinker relies on too many reoccurring jokes that are just not funny and it just drags this one down in flames. If you want a Ron Jeremy non porn appearance film I would suggest Toxic Avenger 4 and steer clear of this one because it is just truly an utter waste of time.

Gore: 6
Overall: 5 out of 10

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