Saturday, October 15, 2011

Gore-Met Zombie Chef From Hell

Gore-Met Zombie Chef From Hell (1986)

Dir: Don Swane

Well this should be a short review honestly. Let me start by saying I have a really incredibly strong stomach for bad cinema , I mean i can sit through almost anything there is and this move was so bad I lost interest almost immediately. Now I knew going in this was going to be a real stinker, but it was one of those films I had been tracking down since childhood ever since I saw the cover in the local video store when I was younger and my mother refused to let me watch it due to the graphic cover. Now allot of times when i finally get a chance to check these films out they more often than not do not live up to the hype I have created for them myself but occasionally they surpass my expectations and I am a happy camper. This film did surpass my expectations but not in the way I would have liked, this film is just pure shit in every sense of the word. So on to the film.

The movie starts off in the year 1386 where we see some sort of satanic ritual where nothing is really shown and the sound is so bad you cant really tell what is going on, sadly this film was away to bad for me too watch it again and try to listen closer but I don't think I missed much. The film then flashes forward 600 years to 1986 where Goza runs a popular bar and grill establishment where he apparently is serving human remains with his recipes. Goza appears to have some sort of mystic powers over his patrons and ladies f his choice as he has become a local celebrity despite the complaints of customers finding hair and other nasty pieces in the food. Also it doesnt hurt that Goza seems to have a knack for covering his tracks as all the people who complain seem to find their way onto the menu soon after making their complaints.







The film is pretty much rinse and repeat from here as Goza continues to run his establishment and feed on flesh. It appears that Goza is an ancient devil like being that needs to eat flesh to keep himself young. The films one redeeming moment comes in the form of a dance party with some of the worst Casio keyboard music since Black Devil Doll From Hell and the Quadead Zone but, there is one lady who is obviously a local bar whore the film makers picked up to be in the film because of her nice rack and she dances around topless showing off her best assets before seducing Goza and then getting herself drugged and killed for meat.















As the towns people continue to turn up missing this gets the attention of an old man named Azog who apparently is Goza's mortal enemy but he has grown too old and weak to fight him alone so he alerts Sara a local woman who is apparently the savior of humanity. As Goza fights off other spiritual beings in lame telepathy fight sequences he begins to get  weak as the meat he is finding is not pure enough and Goza begins to rot and fall apart.

















As Goza continues too weaken Sara arrives and the two battle with mind powers , which equal out to just a stare down of lamest proportions and Goza has his lips super glued shut as he cuts them back open he dies. That anti climatic piece of cinema was the big final battle and we see that Sara has taken over the bar and grill as the film fades off.











One thing that can sum this film up best for me is that when the breasts of a Bar hag  you could easily find on a Wednesday night at the local dive bar is the highlight of your film things are not shaping up too well for your movie. After thinking a bit more about the film it is easy to see that this film is just a shot on video attempt at a Blood Feast knock off and when H.G. Lewis is trumping you in spades on all bases with a film he made with less budget over 20 years prior you may as well give it up which it seems is exactly what the director of this piece of shit did. I must say I knew this film was going to be bad going in and I am ok with bad cinema, In fact I quite enjoy it but there has to be a line somewhere and this film is on that other side of the line where bad is just bad and there is no redeeming it whatsoever.From the film quality to the acting, the gore effects to the horrid Casio two song soundtrack this film just reeks of fail from the opening scene and I am seriously disapointed in myself for looking forward to this film for so many years. Luckily I didn't pay for this turd or I would be even more upset, I mean is it were possible to contact the makers of the gem and demand my one hour and 10 minutes of my life back it would truly be worth it.I don't care how much you are into gore or horror films or rare cinema , Avoid this film at all costs, which shouldn't be hard because this film really requires some digging to find and perhaps there is a reason for that.


Gore:3
Nudity:3
Story:1
Characters:1
Fun Factor:1
Overall: 1 out of 10

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