Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Oh! You Beautiful Doll

Oh! You Beautiful "Doll" (1973)

Dir:Walt Davis (Evil Come,Evil Go/Ride a Cock Horse/The Passion Seekers)

IMDB Rating: N/A

I noticed something odd while deciding what to review tonight, And my discovery was that I really have not devoted much time to one of the biggest distributors in schlock cinema "Something Weird Video". Something Weird is a company that thrives on the worst and oddest in cinema history , priding itself on putting out the worlds most forgotten and at times controversial films. Ranging from conservative Anti-Gay and Anti-Drug  propaganda flicks from the early 60's to bottom of the barrel horror flicks and of course vintage porn both soft core and even some XXX loops. The company often gets some things right like distributing the collections of cult directors  H.G. Lewis and Russ Meyer  bringing a more mainstream attention to these often under rated films, But for every "Color me Blood Red" and "She Devil's on Wheels" they release 100 trash throwaway films like this one I am reviewing here tonight. Oh! You Beautiful Doll is one of the more rare releases from the company as I don't believe they even bothered with a DVD release when they transferred there catalog to disc from VHS and after watching this turd , I can totally understand why.

Oh! You Beautiful Doll follows washed up porn starlet Gaye Ramon as she clings to her heydays priding herself on being "The Best Cock Sucker in Hollywood". Ramon has obviously seen better days and it shows , Yet she refuses to allow her star to fade into obscurity as she begins holding auditions for fresh new talent and offers "Acting" lessons from her living room. Shortly after her add is posted in a local newspaper a young aspiring "Stud" Buck Wilson arrives at her door looking to get his foot in the door. He arrives with his girlfriend Virginia who is quickly kicked out of Gaye's house so the aging starlet can focus on this fresh meat. Before he even gets a chance to explain his credentials , Gaye strips him down and puts him to work since she is getting tired of her banana's.
Gaye seduces or rather rapes the young man and then offers him more "lessons" if he just moves in with her. It quickly becomes evident that Gaye is a very desperate woman in her old age.

While Buck takes off to ponder this new opportunity Gaye begins writing her autobiography. As she is busy reminiscing on her better years as a super star , Two young women show up for auditions but it is quickly made clear that Gaye is not really looking for new talent she is in fact looking for a new live in lover and she demands they leave because she is too busy. While the two girls perform a singing number for Gaye a masked robber breaks into Gaye's place and upon realizing she has no valuables , Gaye is quick to offer her "goods" in the form of her body. The robber then enjoys a four way with the three ladies while Gaye sings. This is easily one of the oddest and least sexy sex scenes I have ever seen in all of my time watching "Cult" Cinema and that in itself is an achievement.Also I have to mention this man in the scene has the smallest penis I have ever seen grace the silver screen or any screen for that matter. After the consensual "Rape" sequence Gaye asks the rapist/robber to move in with her before she tells the ladies to stick around and speak to her friend Rodney Lecoq a failing porn director she pumps up as a huge deal.

Lecoq then takes advantage of the naive young women, talking them into a reluctant lesbian act followed by him joining in for a three-way. In the living room Buck returns for his second "Lesson" but Gaye puts up a front as she leaves him in the house alone. While Gaye is out Buck reconnects with Virginia and the young couple make love in Gaye's bed only to get caught in the act. Gaye is clearly hurt by this and she begins to have a breakdown moment as she starts to realize she is not the hot commodity she once was. However Lecoq feels otherwise and expresses his love for Gaye. Gaye and Lecoq hook up while he compliments her and she eats it up, She quickly bounces back to believing she is the hottest thing going and as the two washed up hacks are in the middle of having sex , She stops to answer a phone and ignores Lecoq as she talks on the phone with another potential young stud. Proving just how low and shallow Gaye Ramon truly is.

This film is easily one of the worst films I have ever seen, yet at the same time it does do something right. The way Gaye Ramon portrays a washed up porn star clinging to her days as a big time starlet is presented well,  As she nails the appearance and attitude of someone in that business struggling to adapt to being tossed aside and her delusional outlook on life in general is played very well. Other than that however this film flops incredibly hard. The picture quality is awful even by the era's standard the acting is worse than many of the actual big budget adult features of the day and for a film just shy of a porn and obviously trying to cash in on the sexual themes, this film is the least sexy film i have ever seen. Everyone in the flick is rather unattractive and all the sex scenes just are simply gross. I stated before I can see why this film hasn't received the DVD treatment because even for "Something Weird Video" standards this one is far below par. Thank goodness this film was only an hour long because much like I wish "Nasty Nancy" was a full length feature I cannot and do not even want to imagine this flick stretched out any longer than it already was. This film is obviously the product of too much drug use and it shows with the "Robber" scene among a few others and the entire film comes off like a vision from a failed and bitter porn director. Steer clear of this one it is a complete waste of time and will perhaps even turn you off of porn for days to come after viewing it.

Fun Factor:1
Overall: 1.5 out of 10

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